"Oh sweet holy Jesus! Fuck fuck fuck!" I leaped away from the tinted glass door of my work and, with speed of a Formula One race car, the fluidity (but not grace) of Mikhail Baryshnikov, and freaked-the-fuck-out squirrel-like terror I escaped from the source of my nightmares with nary a scratch.
Preying mantises and I have a jaded history. Well, jaded for me, possibly satiating for them. A quick debriefing of our battles is necessary:
1990, Age 7: The initial trauma. Finding a large preying mantis on our patio table I decide to watch him. It turns and looks at me. This begins a 15 minute staring match and, being an obstinate child, I am determined to win. The mantis after careful observation, assumes the giant and obviously stupid child is probably food. It then leaps on my face and bites me.
I scream and run into the house crying, blood beginning to slowly pool on the bridge of my nose. A large preying mantis bite strings like crazy. Mom won't believe me when I tell her what happened. She insists I am lying. I am scolded for being dishonest and clumsy.
1996, Age 13: I am at school waiting for my carpool to come and take me home. I pass the time sitting on the curb next to some shrubs reading a book. My head jerks up when I suddenly feel a tickle on my neck. A mantis has decided to jump on me for one reason or another.
It then decides to extend its arms/claws/legs/sharp things of pain to hold me down and tear out a small piece of me. My eyes go wide and I yelp. He continues to bite and "pin me down". It resists my swatting, holding on like some determined cowboy riding a rodeo bull. I eventually get him off. I do not mention what happened to the members of the carpool as I rub the welt on my neck.
2006, Age 23: I am walking back into work after lunch. For no reason a mantis the size of a house cat (perhaps to my perception) jumps onto my ear and bites into me, drawing blood. There are witnesses this time. Everyone is stunned. They then laugh at my pain. Assholes.
2008, Age 25: A preying mantis somehow found its way into my car. He reveals himself while I am actually driving the car. I slowly pull over the car, take off my shoe, and screaming with a barbarian war-cry smash him into a fine paste on my dashboard with my sandal. Cars slow down to watch the scene. A small victory for me, nonetheless.
2008, Age 25: Angered at the death of his brethren, the previous mantis' avenger reveals itself sitting on my car. As I unlock the door it unfurls its wings, raises its arms/claws/legs/sharp things of pain, and makes a threatening pose. It is huge. I freak out and run away. A co-worker catches him and lets him loose. I nearly pee myself.
So hence my freaking to the preying mantis now on the door of my work is understandable. Still, this one is a baby, not even half the length of my pinky finger. I reason that he is still dangerous to me (at the very least, psychologically) but nothing I cannot destroy first. I am the greater animal here after all. God and evolution chose me to be the dominant species and I would prove it by gooshing him into oblivion.
"Don't do that!" a co-worker cries. "He helps people garden."
I paused, waiting for a connection.
"Maybe yours?"
I stopped and put my foot back down away from the mantis. He doesn't move an inch, which is futile as there is no way his little brown self is camouflaged against the black doormat.
Co-worker has a point. Something the last few days has been chomping on my mint with gusto like a cat in a canary house. It's been frustrating as I search the pots fervently to locate the culprit but having no results. Yet every day more mint is eaten. This mantis could prove useful.
The old adage "the enemy of my enemy is my friend," never seemed so applicable.
I go back inside for a plastic water cup and a clipboard. I carefully usher the mantis into the cup, wary should he decide to attack me. I take him out back. I open the cup over the mint, shake it, and run.
The mantis checks out his new home. He crawls under a leaf and makes himself comfortable. I assume he is fine with his strange and supposedly plentiful hunting grounds. I water the mint from the other side of the pot, giving him his space and I leave him be.
Hopefully, we will be able to co-exist together. So far though, the mint is still being eaten and the mantis does not seem to be doing his job. This freeloader owes me the death I hired him for. We'll have to wait and see.
I DO feel bad laughing at your pain, but this post is hilarious. I've only ever seen a mantis once when I was in grade school. He didn't bite anyone. Hope this little guy takes care of your pests!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't aware that they bit. You seem to be Mantis Public Enemy #1!
ReplyDeleteSpiders stalk me (it's been HORRIBLE lately...I mean, seriously, they're everywhere), but I would never...ever...EVER have the guts to scoop one up into a cup and let it live. I kill them...or run away screaming. I don't care what they do for us...eat bugs, etc...whatever. Don't care.
ReplyDeleteNo fun. Hopefully this mantis will leave you in peace and help you out.
This is so funny! Forgive me for laughing at the expense of your mantis battle wounds. That mantis is just a baby. Maybe when he/she gets bigger he/she will run that mint garden like the security guard at a douche bag night club. Good luck with it. Glad you two have forged an alliance.
ReplyDeleteOh gods. You would have freaked out when I hatched 2 Ooths in my ex's room. Mwahaha! Thousands of MANTIS!
ReplyDeleteI hope you and the little monster have come to an agreement.
<3
You know... I like your writing, but am a bit turned off by your language. It's too bad…
ReplyDeleteThat's bizarre, I've never heard of people being attacked by a mantis before, let alone multiple times. Are they more vicious in CA than in NJ?
ReplyDeletei have never heard of a mantis attacking a person, but seriously, that's some funny stuff!
ReplyDeleteclearly as a child you encountered the king of the mantises, and by challenging him to a staring contest, you both insulted and angered him. from there of course he attacked you and spread the word of you to mantises worldwide. they created nursery rhymes about you to sing to their egg sacks, to teach their babies to attack you on site. now that you've spared and somewhat cared for a mantis...your debt is paid.
Wow, I didn't even know they bit people! I guess I always figured them for little helpful garden creatures. I'm sure your very own mantis won't bite, so no worries.
ReplyDeleteAnnonymous: I actually rarely swear in my writing. Only when I need to for my point. Plus I really did scream fuck a zillion times when it happened. Sorry you can't see past that. It's too bad.
ReplyDeleteohmygawd - too funny! although I have tons of these creepy follow-you-everywhere-with-their-eyes buggers in my garden - I still think they are just major YUCK and I avoid them.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of them biting anyone! Maybe your DNA from the first encounter was passed around the mantis gene pool as ambrosia that must be obtained whenever possible? Is there some sort of protective gear you can wear ?! LOL
Thank you. I just got my ab workout for the week laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, I got to kill one and dehydrate it for a microscopy class. ;)
ReplyDeleteomfg ... tears streaming down face ... cannot breathe for laughing ... oh, man, sorry for laughing at these obviously traumatizing events, but this is too frickin' funny ... I loved it!
ReplyDeleteWe should all be proud of you for getting close enough to take some great photo's. i hope ur baby mantis does indeed help out with the mint...
ReplyDeleteLol!
ReplyDeleteI know your pain is terrible, but that is hilarious! They've always been so sweet to me.
Good luck with the mint muncher. If worse comes to worse, puree some garlic and hot peppers, add hot water, and spray on mint. Just be sure to wash the mint well before using.
I have never heard of a mantis attack, but am seriously still wiping my eyes after laughing so hard at your attack stories (sorry). Too funny.
ReplyDeletePS- tell anonymous to stop hiding behind "anonymous". If you are going to criticize someone, have the guts to sign your own name! It's too bad.... blech!
Wow, you've been attacked by more mantises than I've ever even seen in person. I didn't even know praying mantises attacked people. Your accounts of the attacks are funny in that only-funny-because-it-didn't-happen-to-me way. I don't like bugs in general, so if those things had happened to me, I would hate mantises as much as you. Also, I like the swearing in the post. I feel that it adds a sense of realness that would be lacking otherwise.
ReplyDeleteGarrett,
ReplyDeleteMantis' are a gardener friend. Even yours. It looks like earwig damage to your mint, the mantis' are probably getting their fill of those nasty creatures!
Now you've got me paranoid.
ReplyDeleteI've never worried about the multitude of mantises around my property. There's usually one guarding my front door in the evenings. Now, I figure its just waiting for the right time to attack.
I have to admit that I had a hearty laugh over this. I have never heard of a preying mantis biting a person before!!
ReplyDeleteHope that he eventually starts helping out your mint.
PS. I think fuck is appropriate in this (and many other) situation...
i have read your blog for months now, but this is the first time i'm commenting... and it's all because of that pesky PM (praying mantis). so even though i feel for you, i am so thankful that you had this story to share! ahahahaa! i had no idea they bit! now i'm going to by hyper-careful anytime I'm around one of 'em.
ReplyDeleteAgree with PatrickB. You must be legendary in MantisWorld, Garrett.
ReplyDeleteToo fuckin funny Garrett! Sometimes the f word is the only way to express oneself. It's just a word.
ReplyDeletePraying Mantis' eat bad bugs AND good bugs. They don't care what kind. They do latch on with their claws, and that could hurt a bit. Also, if they think your finger is a big fat worm, and they are hungry, they might go for it. I wonder if it your "power insect?" I've seen a couple on my squash leaves.
Your traumas notwithstanding, very funny post. On what may be attacking your mint, I had the same problem and am in Sacramento as well. In my case in turned out to be small (1/2 inch) caterpillars that only feed at night. An organic solution that has worked well for me is BT (Bacillus thuringiensis) spray. Hope that helps.
ReplyDeleteWow. I've been picking up preying manti all my life. I love them, have never been so much as scratched by one, and am glad to have scores of them in my garden.
ReplyDeleteSo you better watch out next time you're in my backyard, Garrett! They might Come For You...
;-)
This is an awesome post. Miss you!
ReplyDeleteYou gave me a wonderful laugh/procrastination break! Hilarious! Perhaps now you have made peace with their world...
ReplyDeleteHoly cow, I had no idea that a praying mantis bit. I don't think I've ever seen one before, but I'm afraid I'm gonna run away like a little girl if I see one now!
ReplyDeleteI had a fabulous garden when I lived in Sacramento and I put praying mantises there intentionally! They do eat bad bugs, but sometimes good ones too (like small butterflies). I liked how they would turn their little heads to look at me... but you probably don't like that since they seem to have something against you. ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the descriptive mantis story. Great piece of writing. Sorry to hear that your mom did not believe you. Does she now?
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious!! This story made me laugh so hard. You've got a new fan of your blog. I love your writing style and posts. I don't know how good mantis actually are for gardens, but spiders and I have become friends. I used to get so frustrated to go out on my patio and see their webs everywhere. In fact, I used to kill them when I saw them on my patio, but now I respect the little creatures and we have an understanding. They protect my garden. Ladybugs are good to for the garden.
ReplyDeleteThese creatures freak me out too. How lucky we are they are not the size of, let's say, a cat, right?! How scary would THAT be.
ReplyDeleteThe mantis is most likely some kind of totem for you. They teach stillness, balance and bring intuition.
ReplyDeleteYou may have a male in your garden if it is not eating whatever is eating your min.