Sunday, March 21, 2010

Eat Beast Update #11: Hooka-Hooka-Hooka-Bleagh

That's the name of the sound I hate. I hate it because I know upon the sound of the first "Hooka" the following things:

1) Eat Beast has eaten something that he shouldn't have. Again.

2) That bending on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpet with a damn rag and stain remover is in my immediate future.

While Eat Beast's stomach is admirable in its ability to digest nearly anything, which admittedly is a keen source of entertainment at times as he devours marshmallows and habaneros like great whirlpools sucking down doomed ships at sea along with their wailing crews, some things simply don't agree with him.

Spiders, bits of carpet (though that one is hit or miss), milk caps, and for some reason rice crackers are indigestible to him. Not that he doesn't try. He's a tenacious little puss, and just because that one piece of banana peel didn't stay down, by golly, that doesn't mean the next piece won't. And if the next piece doesn't then maybe the piece he just threw up a few minutes ago will. (But probably not.)

Still, these little errors in feline gastronomic judgment mean for me that I need to be at the ready with cleaning supplies before the rank of bile and tossed up *insert anything ingestible here* destroy my new carpet.

Normally, it's not all that bad. Today, however, was.

To keep Fatzilla out of the trash and pantry I installed childproof locks on most of the kitchen cabinets. As extra security all pantry items not in cans or unopened bags are stored in sealed glass containers to prevent him from getting into them. The trash is pushed to back of the cabinet so he doesn't reach in through the door crack that he can open with his paw, knock over the trash can and then pull out various tasty trash bits to snack on. Seriously, we have the place on lock down. If we don't he snacks on open bags of brown sugar and bacon greased soaked paper towels as if it were his last meal.

-"By the way, I ate the trash again. You're welcome."-

Fatty also knows that he runs the risk of these raids being just that. Not that it stops him. To him the possible reward is totally worth getting in trouble for.

Now, apparently, after a bit of cooking the other night I had forgotten to close the trash cabinet door the whole way. As I sat on the couch typing away at the thesis in an attempt to decipher just how Slow Food's use of religious language could be unwittingly exclusionary I heard the familiar sound.

"Hooka-Hooka-Hooka-"

I turned my head and became alert. I scanned the room and there, under the table, sat the black form of Eat Beast with neck stretched out, shoulders pointed high in two fuzzy peaks, and mouth wide open with tongue out as bile-ready sluice.

"-BLEEEEEEAAAAAAGH!"

A chunky, chartreuse stream poured out over the carpet. Eat Beast then went to standard sitting position, looked and me, then walked off to the other room at a brisk pace in order to evade the scene leaving me to take care of his mess and wish I had decided to get a turtle instead.

Now chunky, chartreuse throw-up made up of chewed up beet ends and the crusty, moldy insides of an old cream cheese wrapper is a bitch to get out of the carpet. It's a bitch of a stain that even when attacked immediately requires plenty of oxy-clean and elbow grease. Scrub it like the you're bastard offspring of Mr. Clean and Cinderella because beets + bile + old cheese = death to your carpet.

Luckily, after a ten minute cleaning session, I was done. The carpet was saved but a faint stain was still visible if you knew to look for it. I gathered I would eventually forget about it and the stain would be out of peripheral sight and out of mind.

My hands smelled awful, a combination of sewage treatment plant and freshly cleaned office building bathroom. I began to wash my hands when just then, from my bedroom...

"Hooka-Hooka-Hooka-"

22 comments:

  1. I also dread that telltale sound. Beware, my cat figured out the child-proof cabinets after a few months!

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  2. I haven't owned any cats, but I have had dogs and I can totally relate! You brought a smile to my face!

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  3. When I hear that sound I immediately rush to 1)make sure they are on a tiled or hardwood surface, or 2) get them to the tiled/hardwood surface before the 'BLEAGH' comes. I can relate.

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  4. Eat Beast episodes get me through exam month. Thanks for another great one, G. (or, maybe i should say - unfortunate that you had to write one, but thanks for letting us laugh with you!)

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  5. Hopefully your landlord won't find your blog...but hey! That's what the pet deposit is for right?

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  6. Oh dear God! That's why I haven't gotten a dog in about a million years. The thought of puke sends me into a panic. I'm happy you posted this because as much as I want a new dog, it reminds me that I've made the right decision.

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  7. My barfing kitty, Cosmo, makes an unmistakable "yarble yarbo yarble" sound.

    Oh, how I feel your pain. We've nearly given up on carpet.

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  8. I can also relate. I also do the exact same thing cenfield does. I sprint to my cat as soon as I can.

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  9. I had a cat who would, in the wintertime, aim for the hot radiators. Baked cat puke. Lovely. In the summer he would climb to the highest point in the room (top bookshelf, usually) and watch it hit with maximum spread.

    Partly why I am now a dog person.

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  10. WE call that sound more of a "Hork." It works well as both a noun and a verb. It's terrifying.

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  11. You have just made my day! Mine usually do it in the middle of the night, so when you're dreaming these sounds somehow become part of it. Prince Charming is staring into your eyes, leans in to kiss you and....hewagh-hewagh-hewagh-blargh!Then to add weight to insult, I'll be the one stepping in it the next morning, in bare feet. I love cats!

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  12. This is the EXACT sound Merlin the Cat makes! I have eradicated carpets from my entire house and poly-urethaned (satin finish) every wooden floor surface. Best value for my money.

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  13. I am literally crying tears at my desk at work, shaking with laughter and trying not to be discovered by coworkers ("but there's this cat! it eats things! and pukes!").
    My dog doesn't make a sound to warn us about his puking: he just opens his maw and *blammo*. But at least he's considerate enough to avoid the rug, and instead pukes on my lap (or the couch, or the computer, or the bed...)

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  14. Aaahhh - the lovely washing machine sound! Both dogs and one of my cats have made that particular sound too often in the past, leading to the following rules:
    Don't let the dogs back in the house right after they eat or if you saw them eating grass.
    Be sure to block the doorway to the laundry room where the cat food is with chairs so the dogs can't get in there and explore and snack.
    Always turn the lights on before you get out of bed to check on the results of any washing machine sounds you hear in the middle of the night - saves you that stepping in something in your bare feet experience.

    Eat Beast - his real job is to ensure your cleaning skills are top notch!

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  15. Not having a cat anymore, I'd kind of forgotten the sound of hooka-hooka-hooka-bleagh. Luckily our kitties just gave up run-of-the-mill hork, nothing as exotic as beets and moldy cream cheese wrapper (thankfully they did not raid our cabinets). Perhaps you should consider getting rid of the carpet in favor of something easier to clean? (Unless that's landlord's domain instead of yours.) Party on, Eat Beast.

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  16. I have a long haired vomit comet named Maia who, if she can't find anything indigestable to swallow and regurgitate, will happily make do horking up clumps of her own fur. After many years of chasing cat and cleaning carpet, I've reached 7th stage of cat vs carpet axiety: acceptance. It'll still be there in 20 minutes when This show is over. ;)

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  17. UGH I hate that! I swear they toss just close enough to their owners, so that they can hear the dreaded noise. THEN they leave the room just so that they don't have to smell it. Not like you get that luxury. My next life, I want to come back as a cat or a horse. The life!

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  18. LMAO!!! Beets????? Seriously.

    Oh mercy I do love the eat beast. I can't wait to tell Will the eat beast likes beets. We're so roasting some for dinner tomorrow night.

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  19. I can relate to this with our cat. She's a dry food cat and loves to wolf down her food and then drink water, which causes the food to expand rapidly in her stomach (since she doesn't like to chew.) If we let her do this, guaranteed we'll have a nice pile of almost digested food sitting there waiting for us.

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  20. Ok, so I realize I'm a little like to the Hooka party, but I figured better late than never. We used to have two cats and we would never in our lives have animals again without the Spot Bot. Worth Every. Red. Cent.

    http://www.amazon.com/Bissell-1200B-SpotBot-Hands-Free-Compact/dp/B000ASDCXY

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  21. Yeah, you pretty much nailed the cat barfing sound. Never thought of it as a "hooka" sound, but there it is...

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  22. I loved your story! So perfectly described it made me smile and remember my dearly departed Spanky who left the world in March at 17. Especially the advanced warning 'hooka' and then the running off and leaving the scene part. Thank you.

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