Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Card Not Needed: Chia Lemon-Thyme Cocktail

-The oddest cocktail ever.-

Ask me. Ask me, you cock-holstering bitch. Don't you dare not. I swear to God if you don't I will kidnap you, smuggle you into a Slovakian whore house for leprosy patients, and tape dollar bills to the inside of your colon. ASK ME!

"That will be $21.20. Will that be all for you today?" the teen behind the register asked.

"Sure. Fine." I handed him my debit card trying to hide my boundless anger and disappointment. 

Fuck you, you son of a bitch.

"Thank you for shopping at Total Wine."

You won't be twenty-two forever! Someday you'll grow old, too! En-fucking-joy it! *internal and incoherent rage ensues*

This was the sixth time in two months I wasn't asked for photo identification when buying alcohol. I'm only two months short of thirty! I eat well! I work out! I look young for my age! 

Or... apparently not.

God. Damn. It.

-I assume once I finish buying a house I will age 25 more years. Senior discount time for me.-

That's it. That's my story this week. Apparently I'm too old to remember anything else. 

Here's a chia drink with a thyme-lemon simple syrup and vodka. I've had, like, six of them now. I am shocked I that I can type coherently.

Chia seeds are a nifty, hydrophilic grain high in protein and fiber. When wet it gels and can be used as an egg replacement, as a post-workout drink, to make fridge jam and puddings, or to add texture to whatever cocktail it is you are just absolutely wrecking yourself with. These seeds came to me from the sweet people at Bob's Red Mill, who I am plotting some rather serendipitous things with. This flavorful Spring cocktail being a byproduct of said (tasty) plotting. 

Also: Vodka! 

As for the carding issue? Well, it's a good thing I'm an native Orange County boy. When I hit fifty and get plastic for all this *waves finger around face* people will just wonder why I waited so long.

Special Note: Brian and I now have a set date to close escrow. This home, assuming all goes well, will be a huge fixer-upper. In fact, the kitchen is getting gutted completely. Between that, my day job, the book, and taking on some other projects Vanilla Garlic will temporarily be on a random updating schedule of probably one or two posts a month. I expect that regular Tuesday updates will resume in July. Until then, I will update when I can. Thank you for understanding.

Garrett out.

Chia Lemon-Thyme Cocktail

1 tablespoon chia seeds
1/2 cup water
juice and zest of 1 lemon
2 sprigs thyme, bruised
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
Soda water
Vodka

1. Place the chia seeds and water in a bowl and let sit over night so the seeds can gel.

2. Place sugar, 1 cup of water, lemon juice, lemon zest, and thyme sprigs in a pan and heat until sugar dissolves into a syrup. Strain.

3. Place a few spoonfuls of the chia seeds into a glass. Top with some of the syrup, soda water, and vodka. Make as strong as desired. 

32 comments:

  1. I suspect you're being carded less because you've got a ring on your finger now. I noticed a drop in the amount I was carded after I got married.

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  2. Sounds delicious! I've been experimenting with different simple-syrup flavors and recently made a lavender one. I'll definitely have to give the thyme-lemon a go!

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    1. It can get bitter if you over-steep it. Be warned.

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  3. Miss your regular Tuesday updates already! Good luck with all the projects you have going on!

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    1. Me too. Kills me to do this, but would rather put up quality posts than just posting for the sake of a schedule. ;)

      Plus, come July things will go back to weekly. =)

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  4. Garrett, I didn't get carded on my TWENTY FIRST birthday, when I went to the store to buy some booze. It was terrible. :) At 31, I've pretty much given up all hope.

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  5. I'll miss your weekly Tuesday updates; a highlight of my Tuesdays. But I'm happy that you have so many good and busy things going on.
    Okay, couldn't resist, true story. When my husband turned 40 (I was 42) we took a long weekend at Disney World. Our first night we went out to dinner and we BOTH got carded, such a thrill!
    Meryl since I'm likely to show as Unknown, sigh.

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    1. Hey Meryl, you can always read the archives. Which are terrifying.

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  6. I will also miss a regular Tuesday post, but will look forward to checking your blog for random posts. =) Also, "*waves finger around face*" totally made me crack up. Out loud. In my office.

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  7. Delicious cocktail, I can't say addition of chia seeds makes it healthy.

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    1. Yes it does. Don't question the process of making vodka healthy. Just accept it.

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  8. I *never* get carded anymore, and you know I have a baby face. ;-) I love the line about getting plastic for *all this.*

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    1. Jill, you look 19 still. It's adorable and I hate you for it. ;)

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  9. I get carded maybe half the time. Since I was 26. I think our society is just really bad at it.

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  10. I just turned 30, bought a house, and hardly ever get carded anymore. I really need one of these cocktails. It'll help me pack, right?

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  11. Finally! Something to do with the bag of chia seeds I picked up after reading about them at a museum! At 30.5 I find I tend to only get carded by those older than me...though more often than my younger friends even when I'm with them??

    I'll miss your posts! They've brought a glimmer of sanity in the midst of cross-country wedding planning. One month out and we gave up on the caterer and farmed out acquisition/creation to food-savvy friends! We'll definitely be sifting through your past posts for wedding tea tidbits.

    Best of luck with the house/renovations, may it be a grand new adventure with the hubby!

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  12. I'm 22, and at a lot of shops in the Uk, you need to card Anyone who looks under 25, sometimes 30.. and I don't get carded. And I passed for 16 the other week.. I think cashiers are just really bad at their jobs (doesn't dare think of the alternative..)
    I think I need one of these. I love having chia seeds with fruit juice and vodka. It's chia and fruit juice, with potatoes (fermented, but still) That's practically your 5-a-day

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  13. So relieved that the chia seeds are floating in alcohol and not the ubiquitous coconut water or juice!

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  14. I read 4 or so food blogs regularly, but this one is my favorite! Will somehow get by with less regular updates... Hope your book is a smash success and the house is all you hope for.

    P.S. - I'm 33 and hardly ever get carded. Life goes on, and for me it is better. I expect it will only get better for you as well! Cheers!

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  15. I think the married theory is a good one. And also, is there a chance they like actually remember from carding you before??? Due to the power of your extreme uniqueness perhaps?
    Hope the house stuff goes well. Kitchen remodel. Ugly ugly words. I had far too many meals revolving around Fruit Loops during mine. Hope you do better.

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  16. I am with a bowl, a belly - here here for chia seeds in vodka! I will drink to that. I'm only 31, have no rock on my finger, and still rarely get carded. Sometimes my older friends get carded when I don't - I get it. Love your pithy writing and foul language. Nice to have met you today at IACP.

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  17. "Ask me. Ask me, you cock-holstering bitch."

    How could I not continue reading after that? Funny, well written, charming. Love it.

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  18. Ack I miss regular updates already! :((( I can't wait for stories about the house, though! Oh and I'm 20 and I've *never* been carded. Drinking age here is 18, but...it's not really enforced. When we were 16, our English teacher asked the whole class to try and buy a pack of cigarettes and all 50 of us managed it just fine.

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  19. Ahahaha - this post made me laugh. I'm 31, and it's been so long since I got carded. I went out the other night and they were carding *everybody* at the door. I eagerly pulled out my license, but the guy barely even glanced at me before waving me in, let alone humour me by looking at my ID!!

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  20. I live in a small city with a large university -- all the stores card all the time, no matter how old you are. Bars only card sporadically, like on Saturday nights, though, because, y'know, underage college kids would never go into a bar on a Tuesday!

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  21. Eh. I'm 25 and I've never *not* been carded, and by now I'd really like, just once, for someone to assume that I'm an adult and let me buy a damn bottle of wine without giving me the turn-ID-over, rub-for-false-edges-and-check-hologram, suspicious-once-over, and finally a sigh and a begrudging fine-here's-your-booze.
    I'm sure I'll roll my eyes at past me someday, but being a petite baby-faced girl makes for some irritating moments too.

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  22. Too funny! Turned 38 in March; carded just the other day by some young whippersnapper. Didn't know whether I should be flattered or insulted!

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Hey, you're leaving a comment! That's pretty darn cool, so thanks. If you have any questions or have found an error on the site or with a recipe, please e-mail me and I will reply as soon as possible.
~Garrett