Congratulations! You are in escrow! The home of your dreams is soon to be yours! What? It's a HUD owned home? No worries, this won't be too much different from a regular escrow.
Confused about what to do first? Follow this handy step-by-step guide!
1. Collect all the information your loan company needs to move forward with escrow. This includes a government-issued ID, a month's worth of pay stubs, a credit report, and information on any major loans you currently owe on.
2. Oh, you already gave them that? Hmm, something must have been lost in the mix. Well, just re-email the electronic copies you made. Or fax the hard copies you have again. No worries!
3. Time to get your inspections done. This means that some people will come out and make sure your home is in working order. This is kind of pricey, about $500 to get the roof, pest, and general inspections done. However, this will save money in the long run if they find major problems.
4. Write out another check to the appraisal guy who will tell you what your house is worth and what needs to be addressed in order to receive your loan.
5. There's nothing majorly wrong with the home aside from a few tiny fixes that need to be addressed. Huzzah! You got the appraisal back, too! The house is worth more than what you will pay for it. Double huzzah! You just have to fix a small leak in the kitchen, too. No biggie, right?
6. The loan officer is says you have to fix these problems before closing escrow. Okay!
7. HUD will not allow you to fix anything before closing. It is government policy. Uh... so... okay.
8. Uh-oh! The loan company says tough shit. You try to get them to talk to each other, but you have a better chance of immaculately conceiving and birthing a neon green giraffe. Neither will budge.
9. Have a drink!
10: Holy crap, you now have to find a brand new loan company to move forward.
11. You need an extension from HUD. Break out that checkbook because an extension will cost you $375 plus an additional $25 a day. You have never written so many checks before. How exciting!
12. Drink again like there's a winning lotto ticket at the bottom of the glass to cover all these checks.
13. The new loan company needs all of your information. Repeat step 1 and probably step 2.
14. Oh my poorly stucco'ed hell, you need new documents because half of them are outdated by two months. Get to scanning and faxing all over again.
15. You now have to pay for a new appraisal because the government said that using the same appraisal from a licensed appraiser for a new loan company could encourage fraud, completely nullifying part of the purpose of licensing them to begin with. Another check written. Thanks, government, for making this so much easier!
16. Drink. Drink because it makes the pain go away.
17. Write another check. Who knows what for? Your agent said you need to, so, whatever.
18. Drink more. Blackout. Drink again.
19. What happened? You need to buy a dishwasher to install to have a complete kitchen so pass the loan company's muster? Why? You're demo'ing the kitchen anyways! It's just going to get uninstalled! Plus, you have no idea how to shop for appliances because you can't try them out and the reviews online aren't that helpful. The loan company says it must be done TODAY. Don't make me cut you, you bitches!
20. Cut a bitch.
21. Cut all the bitches.
22. Drink. Hide the shiv. No one must know.
TO BE CONTINUED...
So what to drink during all this mess? I highly encourage this little cocktail I learned about during a panel about vermouth I attended at this year's IACP.
It's just one part dry vermouth, one part dry sherry, a shake of orange bitters, and a twist of grapefruit. It is a drink that is not just sophisticated, but also tastes like Tallulah Bankhead swaggered up next to you and kissed you on the mouth - uplifting, dry, and so damn charming. If you could live in Orange County and be so rich you could totally evade taxes legally and give that whole experience a taste: this would be it. Very privileged in flavor. Absurdly so.