I am Loki. God of war: Peach & Almond Crumb Cake

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

 -I know, he's the Trickster God. Just keep reading before you correct me in the comments.-

Today I saw one of the most hilarious things ever.

A little girl and her brother were playing around. She was about five, I guess. Short blond hair, little pink sandals, a nondescript sundress that came from someplace like Target or Walmart. A very average little girl. Her brother, also blond, was about six. He was in jeans and a t-shirt.

He was keeping himself occupied with whatever Nintendo's newest portable not-a-Gameboy is and she was sort of getting all kung-fu. Seriously, while he was entranced she was running around the room, air kicking hostile ninjas through the air, battling space aliens, fighting evil robots, and all and all kicking a lot of imaginary butt. She had dual sword, at least fifty laser guns, unparalleled martial arts skills, and I think she could shoot fireballs from her eyes.

All the sudden she stopped and caught me watching her. She suddenly called a ceasefire with the ninja alien robots and walked up to me.

"Hi."

"Uhhh, hey. Kicking a lot of butt there, huh?"

"Yeah. I'm fighting evil." Obviously.

"Winning?" I asked.

And then out of the blue...

"I AM LOKI! GOD OF WAR!!!" And then she charged her older brother and kicked him square in the balls, lifting him a good four inches into the air before dropping him like a sack of laundry. I swear to god I could hear the thump of her foot instantly crushing all his tender bits into his pelvis.

He went limp and quiet as the shock of what happened slowly began to waver and his brain processed his situation. She then charged outside with a war scream searching for more evil doers.

And me? I learned I'm a terrible person. Because I just fucking laughed. I laughed as I tried to help the boy as his shock gave way to pain. If you're a girl you may not know this, but there's about a four second delay for pain to hit your balls. So for about four agonizing seconds your just go numb as you know a gut turning pain that can trump a broken bone is about to hit.

His mom came in and treated him. She gave me a look some might call, "withering." The father went out to wrangle his daughter. I offered water. Stifled my laughter. Then went to my office where I proceeded to absolutely lose it in even more laughter.

I couldn't even eat my cake. And it's a good frickin' cake. Peaches and all. Almond flour, too.

Yet, I could not eat a bit as I was laughing too hard. And that's saying something.


Almond Peach Crumb Cake 
Inspired by Nigel Slater's, Ripe
Serves 8

2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 cup ground almond meal
pinch of kosher salt
1 cup butter, diced
1 1/2 pounds freestone peaches
sugar for sprinkling (optional)

1. Preheat the oven to 350F and butter the bottom and inside rim of a 9-inch springform pan.

2. Whisk together the flour, brown sugar, almond meal, and kosher salt together. Add the butter and use your fingers to pinch it together with the dry ingredients (or use a pastry cutter, whatevs...). It should resemble dried bread crumbs and your fingers will be sore. I suggest licking them clean. 

3. Scoop two-thirds of the mixture into the prepared pan and flatten it out. You don't have to firmly press it in. Just make an even layer with no cracks and you're good.

4. Cut the peaches into wedges or halves or slivers or a mix of all the above as it really don't matter - you just want to cram in all the peaches. Place them skin-side down in an even layer over the crumb mixture. Now haphazardly scoop the rest of the crumb mixture on top in an even layer. If the fruit pokes through then no worries. It's adorable. Really. Scatter some sugar over the top if you feel so inclined and have it in your pantry.

5. Bake for 40-45 minutes. The juice will be bubbling. Yum. Allow to cool for about 5-10 minutes on a cooling rack, then eat.

17 comments:

  1. OMG... that IS hilarious! I am literally LOL.

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  2. The cake sounds yummy! Except... I'm not a fan of peaches. I'm assuming apples would work as a substitute, but will they need anything extra for moisture? Or do you think it can be a direct exchange?

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    1. I haven't tried it with apples. I would suggest you give it a go and see if it works. =)

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  3. You have a wonderful way of writing. I may not make this cake, but if I do, I know I'm going to be calling it (in my head at least) the "I-am-Loki-god-of-war crumb cake."

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  4. Can I sign that girl up for my roleplaying group? She sounds like the queen of awesome. Also this cake sounds delicious. It sounds really simple, but I don't have a spring form pan. Think I could get away with doing this in a pie dish?

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    1. She's like 5. Too young for roleplaying unless you dress her as Eiko from FF9.

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  5. I made this cake this weekend and it is sooooo good (and easy) The combination of the peach and almond flavors is perfect.. But I don't call it the Almond Peach Crumb Cake but the Loki God of War Cake.

    I could not get thru this post without laughing in tears reading it. The best story. Does this girl give self defense lessons?

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    1. I think that's a much better name. XD

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  6. omg, you are seriously wicked, and that's why I love reading your blog.... this is hilarious and I'd have done the very same! except for not eating this cake... I mean, come on. This is pretty good looking cake.

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  7. Hahahah OMG. That's amazing. I think I would have laughed out loud too. So, you're not a horrible person. Or....at least there are more of us out there :)

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  8. The cake sounds amazing,but your word choices in your little story forced me to go elsewhere for the recipe.......

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    1. I'm sorry you don't have an awesome collection of words as I do. How sad.

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    2. What? Word choices? You can't just scroll past like a normal person? Was it balls? It was balls wasn't it.


      BALLS.

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  9. Snort. That was hilarious. Do you see Loki often? Might try this cake with pears as no peaches here now in the UK.

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~Garrett

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