Attitudes: Peppermint Chocolate Crinkles

Thursday, December 18, 2014

-I roll them in cocaine just like Uncle Escobar taught me.-

(Originally posted in 2012. A favorite post of mine.)

So here's a little Christmas story for you all that should bring some cheer or cause you to bang your head against the desk so hard you black out. I inadvertently got an employee at Target fired from his job. Well, I was a catalyst. He did it to himself. I find it's generally hard to keep a job when you're a disrespectful douchecanoe; but, hey, that's just my opinion.

I went to the Target around the corner looking for a certain electronic gift for my dad. (He reads this blog sometimes - not always as a dutiful father should, dad - so I can't say what.) I went to the electronics section and inquired as to the item I wanted. The attendant, a very helpful and conciliatory man with a mighty neck beard that could shame all other neck beards, apologized and told me they were all out.

"What I can do is call the other store on 65th Street and see if they have it," he said with a smile.

I told him that would be fantastic. The 65th Street store was a 15 minute drive at best considering it was late at night. Still, to have the object in my hands would be perfect. The item was on sale for cheaper than I could find online so this was going to be a mighty big Christmas win for me if I could get it.

Nebby, which is short for N.B., which is short for Neck Beard as I will adoringly call him, perked up.

"Yes? You have it? In your hands? Perfect. Hold on..." he put his hand over the phone. "What's your name?"

"Garrett. Gary. Put down Gary." No one ever hears Garrett and if they do they spell it wrong.

"Gary. Okay. Thanks. He'll be there in about 15 minutes." He hung up the phone and told me to book it over there. The item was sitting in electronics. Last one. It would be under the register tagged with a sticky note with my name on it.

I shook his hand and thanked him for his help. I told him how much I appreciated his going above and beyond for me. Then I booked it like and drove like Speed Racer on meth to the other Target. In the process I narrowly avoided a ticket for speeding and making an illegal U-Turn right in front of seven cops who were, lucky for me, busting someone actually on meth. Though I suppose that isn't surprising for 65th Street.

I sassied up to the electronics counter and gave them my name, "It was a call made 10 minutes ago. I drove fast. It has the name Gary on it."

"Okay," said the attendant whose neck beard has sparse and sickly. Not like Nebby's. I will call him Douchecanoe. For reasons that will soon make sense. Anyways, Douchecanoe searched. And searched. And searched some more.

-I bet if I had some cookies with me to bribe him with this search would have gone different...-

After about two minutes of looking I knew that I was going to be pissed off.

"It seems to have gone?" said Douchecanoe.

"Gone? You said that like a question. Are you not sure?"

"Well," he replied, "I saw my coworker grab the last one but it's not here. It seems to have gone."

"...What? Dude, it vanished in ten minutes? The other store just called and had you take it off the floor? Who could have taken it?"

"It was more like fifteen minutes, but..."

"Not really the point here. Also, I made good time. It was ten," I rebuked with injury.

"If you want I can show you some other, similar items," he said without any real sincerity, of which I demand from all Target employees.

I told him no and gloomed my way out of the store to my car in a fitful stomp. I pulled out my keys and then thought to myself that he didn't check the front of the store or the back. Maybe it was there? Couldn't hurt to ask, right?

I went back inside and as I passed the cashier who was there? Mother. Fucking. Douchecanoe. With the held item. WITH MY NAME ON IT.

If you know me personally then you know I generally don't have a filter and that I appreciate the occasional dramatic flair, so it took poor Douchecanoe by surprise when I walked up and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and I greeted him with a simple, "The hell is this?" and a smile.

I have never seen a face go white so quickly in my entire life. It. Was. Glorious.

I calmly asked the cashier to call her manager and that she needed to do it now and that she should probably cancel the current transaction. She looked at me with confusion, then to Douchecanoe with a rather reproachful eye (was this not his first crime?), and hit the cancel button with a rather resigned thump of her finger. She then called the manager.

Douchecanoe was now in a state of total panic. Sweat, frustration, and anger took over. I calmly explained tot he supervisor the situation. I had called ahead for the last of the item. His employee had lied to my face, waited for me to leave, and then bought it himself. My name was still on the box. We could call the other store to backup my story if needed, but the post-it with "GARY" written in all capital letters really sealed the deal.

The manager began to question Douchecanoe and from the tone of the conversation I could tell this was not the first infraction. Though to call it a conversation is generous. The manager asked questions, and with each question Douchecanoe just looked and the ground and grew redder. His teeth began to grit so loudly it sounded like trucks downshifting on a highway and he began to ax murder me with his eyes through scornful looks.

The conversation ended when Douchecanoe grabbed the item - again an electronic - and threw it to the ground where the sound of snapping metal and plastic echoed in the store like gunshot and stopped all surrounding patrons and employees alike. He then dashed out of the building and, obviously, out of his job.

Needless to say, screw that dude. You reap what you sow, and what he sowed was probably a very crappy Christmas for himself.

Still, having worked in social work I want to step back a bit and ponder some things. No one is born this angry. No one instinctively does bad things. What happened in his life to cause such an attitude? It's possible that many factors in his life completely out of his control hammered into him a resentful attitude? Maybe he was a good kid who suffered too much disappointment, neglect, or distrust. Look out of number one is sometimes the only way people learn to live.

If so, I hope that things turn around for him. I hope he finds a way to get life on track.

-The Lesson: Don't write off everyone. Even people who piss you off. There is always more to a person than what you think.-

Regardless, that was still a pretty douchey thing to do.

So yes, recipe. Peppermint chocolate crinkles. These have nothing to do with the story, so there's no clever way to tie the two together. I just wanted to share both the story and the cookie.

However, they are my husband's favorite Christmas cookie. He loves them. Adores them. These cookies are an endangered species in this house.

It's just a slight riff off the recipe I did originally for Simply Recipes. A bit of peppermint extract added, less vanilla, no espresso. They taste like a chill Sunday decorating the tree and have more pizazz than the most sparkly of wrapping papers.

You can find the recipe here. Just add two teaspoons of peppermint extract instead of vanilla for a mintier cookie.


Garrett Out.


  1. Wow! What a story! Only you have the greatest adventures at Target! :)

  2. What an ass!

    Hope you can find another copy of the item :)

  3. Thanks to you, I'm now integrating the word douchecanoe to my vocabulary! :)

  4. Douchecanoe is very good. I'm a fan of using douche whenever possible. May I throw this one out...fucktackle. Fuck-a-doodle-doo is a personal favorite, but if you've watched "Sean of the Dead" it's already in your vocabulary.

    I love crinkle cookies. I can't make any dessert because my husband won't eat dessert. Except brownies and real cheesecake. And I'm definitely not making cheesecake once a week.

  5. Your use of the word douchecanoe made me lawl at my desk in the library. You tell excellent stories.

    Also, those cookies look so deliciously dark, did you use black cocoa?

    1. Black and white photos. I just used Ghiradelli unsweetened cocoa. However, I love Hershey's dark chocolate cocoa powder, whcih is pitch black.

  6. I made the original version last year for my Christmas cookie tins and they were so amazing they are now on permanent rotation!

  7. In my (not terribly vast, but significant) experience, all the guys in the electronics department at the 65th Street store are Douchecanoes. Thanks for bustin' that one. Maybe they'll hire someone better. It's not like there's no one looking for work. Happy Christmas!

  8. You are a good story teller, I don't know why that target guy ruined his job. People are like this sometimes.

    By the way this chocolate crinkles looks delicious.

  9. I do love that you're closing your posts with "Garrett out." these days. Also, if you need me to check my local Target, where the employees are routinely awesome and where I spend way too many of my free hours, for said item - happy to do it for you.

  10. Looks delicious! I reckon I could eat about 100 of them!

  11. Wow, this is "my" Target. I've found the employees to range from very helpful to very not. Good job weeding out the losers.

  12. Thank you for always making me smile with your stories, I enjoy your 'take' on the world. The cookies sound like a must make as well.

  13. I love the idea of putting macha in the confectioner's sugar. I think I'll do half plain chocolate with macha and half peppermint this christmas :3
    By the way, do these turn out into a crunchy or chewy cookie? Daresay I prefer chewy, but that might just be cause I hate cleaning up crumbs ;)

    1. Chewy if you bake them at 10 minutes, crunchy at 13.

  14. I don't doubt that something happened to this guy to make him such a douchecanoe, but when you wrote "No one instinctively does bad things" it reminded me of this 60 minutes story that I found pretty interesting:

  15. I think the part I find so incredible within this tale is the fact that the idiot took the time to write your name on the box and hold the item back. Why would he not just lie to Nebby and say "Um, they all seem to have gone?" Then you don't make a trip over there, so he gets the item and keeps his job instead taking the douchelouge out of employmentville. Guess whatever thing happened made him bad and dumb...or deep down he wanted to lose that job.

    1. I think a different person probably was on the phone initially.

  16. Wow, good thing you went back into the store! I hope the manager at least gave you a rain check on the discounted item. You really do have to wonder at people sometimes... I generally find myself in a state of utter bewilderment in situations like that, rather than anger. Alas.

    The cookies sound incredible, too - I love the caption of the opening photo... seriously made me laugh!

  17. Holy shitballs! Sounds like the scene at Target was interesting. I just keep envisioning Douchecanoe as this unkempt, greasy dude throwing the electronic to the floor then running out the front entrance of the store. Were onlookers standing there with their mouths open at what they were seeing?? Plan to try the cookie recipe in a week or so when I do my holiday baking. I love chocolate and mint together.

  18. ThankYouThankYouThankYou! I have been searching for a chocolate cookie to add to my holiday baking list and this sounds perfect!

    Douchecanoe - love it! Were you able to get another (unbroken) present for your dad?

  19. After douchecanoe's tantrum, you would think that a manager worth their salt should have offered a rain check on the item or to order one for you or something.

    It's amusing to see you use "douchecanoe." You're the only person aside from a friend of mine on the East Cost to use it.

    Mmm, cookies.

  20. Hi!
    Thank you for these. They were the X-mas treat for my co-workers this year, in beautiful cookies tins, and they adored them!
    Luv giving treats away...
    Hope u have a wonderful x-mas and a happy 2013!!!
    Patricia from Lisbon

  21. Wow! What an ass! Or douchecanoe, as you say. I work with some of those. I am definately going to try the cookie recipe. We'll see how they come out gluten free. Have a fantastic Christmas!

  22. Love this story. It pays to be honest! And douchecanoe.. Now that I love. Not sure where you stand on cuss-words but cunt-weasle is a common outburst of mine. Or arse-monkeying-cunt-wrangler if the situations calls for something more colourful... Arse-bollock-bastard-bicuit-cake is the most surreal outburst of annoyance..
    Ahem. Tourettes aside, these look delightful.

    Also.. I wonder who went around taking photos of house numbers for that captcha? There's a very well-payed stalked wandering around somewhere...


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