I am officially done cooking for vegetarians. Okay wait, let me rephrase that: I am done cooking for faux vegetarians, and faux eaters in general.
"I don't eat any animals. But I love sushi."
I stare back in dumfoundry and reply, "Fish are animals."
She's encountered this remark before and counters, "No, they live underwater."
Someone explain that one to me, please.
"I eat meat but not pork. Well, except bacon." Oh, that makes sense. I wasn't aware there was such a thing as kosher pancetta.
"Eating animals is cruel." And your leather prada bag was developed through stem cell research, right?
In my opinion, as a total hardcore bacon portobello mushroom burger lovin' omnivore, vegetarians are people who eat nothing that ever flew, swam, or walked this earth. If it could move and think it's an animal and not on your menu. Last I checked that was the definition. So when I cook for someone who tells me they're a vegetarian, this is the rule I follow. Dairy and eggs are fair game unless they call me ahead of time and tell me otherwise (but that would be vegan then). All God's creature's are a no-no. I shouldn't be asked why I didn't prepare that "dish with those massive shrimp," by the said vegetarian.
Really, I don't mind cooking around allergies, likes, dislikes, health problems, and religious or moral viewpoints. I'm not going to serve a ham sammich with tomatoes to a practicing Muslim who gags at the thought of a sliced tomato touching their food. I will not, however, cook for someone who sits down and says they are on the Atkins for the next three days and can't eat the salad I made (insisting on near-raw hamburger instead), or the vegan eating a cheese bagel because "They're just too good to give up."
These are all real quotes and real food situations I've been
Is ridiculous a bit harsh? Not in my opinion. This tendency to see one's own fanatical and ever changing gustatory status as a "lifestyle" which should be catered to by everyone around them is the definition of the word. That, and it certainly can't be healthy for the mind or soul (nor the appetite for that matter).
Furthermore, jumping into the world of food allergies. If you're allergic to something, let's say apples, then tell me and I won't cook apples for you. If I catch you eating an apple later and you explain that really you "just don't like cooked apples, only raw" then you've been caught lying for the most ambiguous and unimportant reasons. There is no need to fib to refuse a dish, but rather just tell the truth even if it's during the meal in question where apples have been prepared. Forging dietary restrictions to get out of eating a meal someone served you is disrespectful to the host.
Sorry to have written in such a side-to-side, all over the board manner but I needed to get this one out of my system. To any faux vegetarians, semi-vegans, trendy dieters, sometimes allergic, stewed tomato eating raw food proponents: Bite Me. When you have figured out what you really want to eat, let me know, and you will be welcome to my table. There will be a hot meal waiting for you.