Harsh Realities

Monday, September 7, 2009

Every office has that one table. The one that’s always covered with food. Lots of food. Fatty, sugary, deep fried, salted, cream filled, jellied and buttered, extra pepperoni food. Food I have to struggle to avoid. A box of asiago and garlic bagels sitting next to a small tub of whipped cream cheese. Boxes of cookies. Leftover donuts from a meeting. Dishes that weren’t finished off at yet another potluck. It’s like a god damn siren calling sailors to their doom, except instead of craggy rocks it’s a warm cinnamon bun the size of your head.

I have to actually voice my self restraint when I pass by this table so it’s not uncommon to suddenly hear me scream, “Chocolate muffins, I REJECT YOU!”

Given, I am a major contributing force to the problem. Half the stuff you see me make on the blog ends up at work. One person can’t shouldn’t eat two dozen cupcakes alone, plus I’m trying to watch my girlish figure. The way I see it is that if I’m going to get fat I’m putting everyone on the train to Chubbyville with me.

Today there was half of a sheet cake sitting there. The tiny piped on frosting carrots that are so ubiquitous with Costco bakeries signaled that it was carrot.

A co-worker and her child were in the kitchen at the time. As she poured herself a cup of stale coffee that had been sitting motionless in the pot for the last five hours the child’s eyes never wavered away from the cake. Regardless of any motion he made he never lost direct sight of his sweet toothed desire. This carrot cake was his new God, and he its devoted acolyte.

Finally he summoned up the courage and piped up, “Mom, can I have a piece of carrot cake?”

“No,” she said, crushing his dreams.

“But it’s carrot cake! It’s a vegetable.”

I interjected, “No,” I laughed, “carrot cake is not a vegetable.”

The look of defeat on his face was almost heartbreaking. In under ten seconds I destroyed a child’s hopes and optimism. He knew that if a stranger saw through his specious reasoning, mom did too. I remember adults telling me this about carrot cake when I was little. It's a cruel fact and one of the many initiations into adulthood.

“Sorry sweetie,” mom said, “but we both know that’s not going to work.”

Harsh realities of life kid. Get used to it.


  1. Oh, you cruel cruel man - and yet, so funny! Poor kiddo.

  2. There used to be a pull down menu with all your recipes on the old site. Does that still exist somewhere?

  3. but, but, what about zucchini bread and pumpkin pie? :) it's hard to be a young kid growing up...

  4. But but but....carrot cake IS a vegetable!!! *pouty face*

  5. gosh, you might as well have told him that he's not getting his Hogwarts acceptance letter. poor kid!

  6. Tell me, this was the same kid that called you a Nazi, and you were exacting your revenge (and if it was the same kid, he had it coming).

  7. Wait... whipped cream cheese isn't healthy either? But... but... it's whipped! That makes it light. Right?


    And carrot cake counts as a vegetable. It has those little frosting carrots on it. And the white frosting almost looks like ranch dressing. It's practically a salad!

  8. "And carrot cake counts as a vegetable. It has those little frosting carrots on it. And the white frosting almost looks like ranch dressing. It's practically a salad!"

    Liana, I like the way you think!

  9. if you eat enough of it, there is a good chance you can get a full serving of vegetables. and some fruit if they were kind enough to stash some raisins in it. and the frosting is cheese, and cheese = calcium. see, its totally good for you. you just have to eat it in large quantities...

  10. I see your point about the cake, and respectfully disagree. I feel that life tends to be more fun if I employ a belief system that promises me,
    a) Santa Claus is real
    b) Women everywhere find me
    insanely attractive
    c) Carrot cake is a vegetable
    and will help my eyesight
    See you on the train to Chubbyville, I'll meet you in the dining car...


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