Cheese Profile: Cave Aged Swiss Gruyere

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

-"You may want to sit down for this."-

Dear John,

I'm sorry, but this isn't working out. We're not working out.

It hasn't felt right for a long time now, and I want to be fair to you and tell you the truth about how I feel. Dragging this out because I'm afraid of talking about it, or because I don't want to hurt your feelings would be the worst thing to do.

I guess I've been feeling this way for some time now. The signs have all been there and I guess I'm only confronting them now.

There was the time you asked me to trip a girl scout so you could help her up and score a box of free cookies. How you drunk dial my sister after too much wine, even though she's sitting at the same table right across from you. And the fact that I spend my Friday nights alone while you and the guys see how many Fritos you can fit in your nose is one thing, but while that was funny when we were in college, doing that at my grandmother's funeral 5 years later was simply embarrassing.

The passion is waning, unlike the taste of that cave aged Gruyere we tasted in the Swiss Alps when things were good. Its musky scent and creamy, ivory color were so reminiscent of the pure but animal attraction that once existed between us.

-"This turns me on. You do not."-

And while our love was once complex like that Gruyere's, owing to its use of raw sheep's milk, it's now flat and tepid. That cheese eclipsed "us" with deep toasted and meaty flavors. A tang that's more like a twang, a dialect that has passion and character like we once did when we whispered to each other in bed.

I want to be in a perfect pair the way that cheese was for those strong olives and fig jam we had when we stayed up late talking about our future. Now you don't even take my hand or listen to me. We're two separate people now rather than a unit like a couple should be.

I want a connection that pops like the lactic crystals embedded in that tightly bound and dense Gruyere. I want a relationship where we try new things like cave aged Gruyere grilled cheese sandwiches with caramelized onions and jam on sourdough bread; or making a fondue with the Gruyere mixed with some Emmenthaler, mustard, white wine, and caramelized shallots with a hint of nutmeg.

Please don't contact me. I'll talk to you when I'm ready.

I will be at my mother's. She has crackers.


-Admit it, you would leave your loved one for this. Or maybe for some tall, dark, and handsome Cheddar.-


  1. Hi Garrett,

    This post is hilarious! I love the way you write :)

    About the portuguese cheese: I'm not really a cheese connoisseur as much as i'm a cheese lover.
    But I found this site which mentions two of my favorite portuguese cheeses: Serpa and Serra da Estrela.
    If you ever come across one of these beauties, don't be coy... You'll want to run away with them!

    All the best
    (Portugal, Lisbon)

  2. Inspired Garrett! Such a funny post. When your beau is eclipsed by a cheese, you KNOW it's time to call time.

  3. How funny!!! I juuust had this last night at LOST night. It is AMAZING! AH-MAZING.

  4. Such a great writer - I just LOVE reading your stuff! (And I too love this cheese...but seem only to think of it when doing a classic potato gratin dish.)

  5. I'd spend months finding a lover, just so I could THEN leave him for ths gruyere. Mmmm....

  6. This is great! Totally creative in your writing style. I've fallen back in love with Gruyere after some delicious grilled gruyere sandwiches with caramelized onions and dijon mustard. Which is unfortunate now because I hold all men to that standard now...

  7. Dear Garrett-

    I have lactic acid crystals just waiting for you. Now that John's out of the picture, please consider me. I made a lovely sourdough and have homemade jam at the ready.


    (I love this blog!!!)

  8. Great post - love the humor and whit! This does have to be one of the BEST cheeses. Love it with a nice baguette and fig jam.

  9. I too love cheese... Nice story!

  10. I now have a strong craving for a gruyere cheese sandwich. Lunch tomorrow (or breakfast, let's be honest, I might not wait until tomorrow).


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