Recipes for the Jaded Cook

Monday, March 10, 2014


Fried Chicken
Get out the tallest, most sturdy pot you've got and fill it with four bottles of vegetable oil. Ignore the fact that this is probably one of the biggest food wastes ever because that would infringe on your self-image as a food-conscious individual who eats responsibly. Dredge the shit out of that free range chicken in heirloom flour and 120 ASTA paprika, and the buttermilk you got for $9 at the Farmers Market. Debate whether it's worth it when it doesn't taste as good as the fried chicken from the market deli. Spend the next ten minutes Windex-ing oil off of the counter, stove top, floor, and - somehow - the ceiling. You tried at least, right?

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Everyone tells you to age the cookie dough in the fridge for a week. Even two weeks. Hell, let's aim for a month for that dough. Those caramel notes will be buff motherfuckers. Realize that when you want chocolate chip cookies you probably want them now. Age them for about half of an episode of House of Cards. Good enough. Eat half the dough before baking the rest.

Trendy Cocktail #1
Have a Happy Hour cocktail for $8 that's served in a highball glass and has a sprig of rosemary sticking out of it. When you get home convince yourself that you can totally make that shit. Why pay $8? The next day be sure to spend at least $60 buying liquors. Make the drink once for five friends on a Saturday night before a Netflix binge. Forget about the mostly unused liquor and let it spend the next five years in a dark cabinet corner until you give them to a friend for an 80's themed party. Toss the rosemary in a month when you find it's gone bad.

Green Curry
Tell your partner you're making curry tonight. Sigh with conviction as you remind him that it takes you back to when you made it every single week when you were a poor student. Allow him to comfort you that it's a nice trip down memory lane to simpler times. Accept that "simpler" is delicate code for "impoverished". Add frozen chicken breast strips and wonder when your tenant's rent check will finally come in and you can go buy groceries.

Trendy Cocktail #2
Make a martini. Realize there's no gin and decide to use the lemon vodka that's been in the freezer for, what, two years? Maybe you got it for that barbecue back in 2011? Only sweet vermouth in the house because no house doesn't have a neglected bottle of it somewhere. Garnish with a slice of lemon and serve it in the only unbroken martini glass. Tell yourself you'll keep it classy next time.

Jam
Fruit, sugar, lemon juice. Boil. Right? What can go wrong? Get nuclear-hot jam on your skin requiring skin grafts. And, goddamnit, the jam burned on the bottom of your new Le Creuset French Oven. That thing isn't even a week old. The ceramic is surly stained and you'll be scrubbing it clean like you're Cinderella. A Cinderella who can't make jam.

Something in a Crock Pot
Throw meat, veggies, spices, and stock (or water, you plebeian) and set for 10 hours. Come back from work and feel like you've accomplished some legitimate cooking for once as you delve into what is likely one of the best meals you've had all week. This is assuming you wake up early enough to get everything prepped and in the crock pot before you realize you're going to hit traffic and be late for that meeting with Mr. Lavinson. You'll be so screwed if you are.

Kale
Ignore it when your friend Kyle says how he's just so over this kale fad. Continue to massage your kale and wonder if he's right as the smell of Braggs Liquid Aminos fills the room. After all, the blogs are just obsessed with cauliflower now.

23 comments:

  1. I have never tried the "best" chocolate chip cookie recipes out there for that exact reason. I want my cookies now! Also, when I make CCC's, I try to be good and pre-scoop the dough and freeze it so I don't eat a ton of cookies in one sitting. More often than not, I can't be bothered with cooking the frozen dough, and I end up eating more of it raw than actually baked.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have lived ... all of these things. I retroactively lift last light's gin and store-brand tonic to you. Also, it may be too late, but if you are not familiar with Barkeeper's Friend, it is basically the best thing ever to happen to cookware ever, including Le Creuset. Scorch marks be damned.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aging cookie dough? How does cookie dough age when it's eaten before the day is out, may I ask? Not around here....!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Funny as usual. Sorry I'm laughing at your rants.

    I never tried kale. It is not popularly available in Lebanon. I'll give it a year and then every cook and nutritionist will be milking it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ehh, it's just another leafy green. =P

      Delete
  5. Too funny! So I'm not the only one who has suffered burns from jams? Excellent! And yet every year I try again... word to the wise, dont try dandelion jelly, even if your back yard is covered in them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every jam maker gets at least one good burn. ;)

      Delete
    2. My mom used to make dandelion jelly! I loved it - so delicate, kind of apple-y.

      Delete
  6. I don't know about waiting for cookie dough but darn it all to hell I want some cookies and fried chicken now!

    ReplyDelete
  7. The very first thing I made in my brand spankin' new Le Creuset was pear cinnamon jam. So, yeah. That happened exactly as you said.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ugh. Aging cookie dough might be awesome, but I never make it past an hour. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never understand the people who do.

      Delete
  9. Aging cookie dough does make for great cookies, but who has the time for that? I use a modified version of a Cook's Illustrated recipe that just lets the melted butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla mixture rest for about 10 minutes before adding in the dry. You still get all the butterscotchy, caramely goodness and I can manage 10 minutes (usually).

    ReplyDelete
  10. Chilling cookie dough I can do. I can even age some kinds - peppernut dough needs a few days before you bake it. Chocolate chip? Maybe overnight if I make the dough late at night. That's demonstrating some will power. Which goes right out the window when I eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

    I order deep-fried things embarrassingly often at restaurants simply because it's not worth the effort and oil to make them at home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. Deep frying requires me to have some patience.

      Delete
  11. Gorgeous, although I feel I've failed in that we have no sweet vermouth in the house - only vanilla vodka and a very old bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream which seems to have lumps in it. I'm assuming that's not good, right?

    ReplyDelete
  12. This made me laugh!

    I dare you to try make your own boba. Mine was a horrible disaster and made me decide paying $5 for starch balls in a food dye and sugar fruit drink was worth it after all

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ooh. ooh. Thank you! I have sooo been looking for a good Trendy Cocktail #1 recipe! So many of the ones I've seen online forget the part about tossing the rosemary.

    ReplyDelete

Hey, you're leaving a comment! That's pretty darn cool, so thanks. If you have any questions or have found an error on the site or with a recipe, please e-mail me and I will reply as soon as possible.
~Garrett

Vanilla Garlic All rights reserved © Blog Milk Powered by Blogger