Apricots and Kumquats: Fighting the Nor Cal Winter

-Royal Rosa apricot blossoms. This tree is only a few years old and it's going bonkers.-

Somehow we will survive this trial. I know you on the East Coast are going on your, what, tenth snow day is some places? Roads are shut down. You're trapped in your home with children (read: ankle-biting, stir-crazy goblins). You're doing things like salting the drive and snow-plowing, things I've only heard about in stories.

We on the West Coast are suffering as well. Have you heard about the record drought? The utter lack of water from the sky? It might mean nothing to you now, but when California is producing much of the meat and produce the rest of the nation consumes you'll feel it in your pocket book this spring and summer when the cost of fruits and vegetables skyrockets to two bucks per stick of celery.

-Too. Many. Kumquats.-

I'm trying my best to survive it. This Valentine's Day I braved into the 80 degree weather in shorts and a t-shirt. I plucked fifteen pounds of kumquats off the tree. Took an hour. Tree is laughing at me. Telling me to 'eff off. It groans in a mocking tone wighted with easily another hundred pounds of fruit.

Bernadette the Apricot Tree is in full freaking bloom. In February. The hell? At this point I almost have to hope there's no crazy rain storm like last year when spring hit us in February. All the stone fruit bloomed early and crazy March rains knocked off every last blossom and fruit. (It's why your cherries were so bloody pricy in 2014.)

It's a burden, but we Californians will survive.

Do not weep for us, rather, cheer us on.

Garrett out.

Stupid Raccoon: Earl Grey & Kumquat Marmalade

-The perfect cure for the busy mind.-

We took down the Christmas tree today, an event that has as much joy as getting your bits waxed. Down came the teddy bear advent calendar I grew up with. The mistletoe - which didn't see nearly enough action - was removed from the foyer. The mantelpiece was de-garlaned. The tree's bobbles and strings were delicately removed and tucked into boxes with a throw-n-go method. The tree itself, a marvelous Martha Stewart fake that could fool even the most scrutinous botanist if not for the lights miraculously growing from its branches, was packed away.

Once stored and shelved for the next eleven months the husband and I went out to the garage for the comfy sack - a large beanbag chair of sorts. It's filled with foam pellets instead of those crappy polyurethane beads that exploded over many a living room in the 80s, and upholstered in a chocolate microsuede cover. Quite fun. Extremely comfortable. I highly recommend it if you want a touch of whimsy in your home.

It was also, apparently, very peed on.

The Cons: Vanilla Bean & Ghost Pepper Kumquat Marmalade

The kitchen is close to done. Not quite, but almost. That's another story, which at the moment I am unable to tell because if I do I'll suffer a conniption fueled from pure rage. So apologies if I need a week or two in order keep my blood inside my head on not spritzed upon my newly painted teal walls.

"And aren't they a beautiful shade of teal?!" is what I howl to the poor Mormon missionaries and UPS delivery men who by bad luck or unfortunate karma are forced to come to my door. Some are smart enough to run before I begin to detail how I installed the Cotton Valley Oak flooring. 

Instead, I'll bitch about something else today. First world problems. Who else has got 'em, right? How terrible it is that I am spending the Pride weekend in my brand new house putting together brand new Ikea furniture? How I suffer eating in my new dining room. What is that, husband? You picked up the wrong wine for the roast chicken with apricots? We can't drink Chardonnay! WHAT ARE WE, SAVAGES?!

So it hasn't been that bad, but let's talk fruit trees again. I know I was overjoyed at the prospect of now having them and how I was going to plant more, but I have quickly familiarized myself with the "con" side of the list.

Allow me to elaborate a few of these items:

Kumquat Tea and Trivial Things

-Keep your lemon tea. My tea rolls with kumquats.-

I have too many frickin' kumquats. Seriously, you have no idea. I have been deluged by them to the point that I've had to become more and more creative with recipes. Heck, I've been giving away pounds of them. Literally, pounds.

So when I stumbled upon Todd and Diane's recipe for kumquat tea, I was relieved. One can hardly call it a recipe due to its simplicity, one may find more difficulty in rubbing their belly while patting their head at the same time.

Now recently things have been hectic, well irritating, to say the least. Not so much now as it was a month ago, but there are tiny bits of chaotic annoyance. These little things, fallout from the fire, like dirty corners where ragged dust balls collect because you missed a spot in your sweeping appear. A forgotten bill, the realization that the cleaners lost the cake pan, where are my glov - oh yes! burned to the ground, and the cheese grater still hasn't been replaced yet.

Individually, they're of little concern. Trivial worries you can shoo away and best with a stamp of your foot. Yet, when they occur on a near daily basis, these small concerns congeal into problems, mesh into worries which claw deep inside to the front of your mind making it a delicate and crammed chrysalis of stress.

Yet in the simplest thing we can find solace. This kumquat tea - so ideal, so healing, and so simple I can barely contain the laughter it stirs within me for being so blind to never have grasped at such a solution, a bright kumquat colored ribbon flapping in front of me.

Its lightness on the tongue and bright flavor, as if you were staring into the sun, seem to banish the gravity of things. Sweet, cirtusy, a new twist on the classic cold cure and flavorful tissane of lemon tea.

-Perfect to fight off the gravity.-

Preserved Kumquats (Goddammit)

-If you turn your head and squint you can hear the sound effects from Pac-Man.-

The way I see it swearing is totally acceptable in certain situations, if not encouraged. In some cases this might be after getting a paper cut or when your computer inexplicably crashes. It might be finding out that that new camera you purchased last week is now on sale for a unheard of low price of sweet-mother-f***er-if-I-only-waited-a-week. These are all good times to swear up a storm so harsh that nearby children cry, Lovecraftian gods are summoned, adults suffer spontaneous nosebleeds, and paint curls off the walls.

Another good time for colorful language like this is when you realize all the canning you did in the last year - the jams, jellys, pickles, tinctures, and liquors - have all been destroyed. Not only were these little homemade delicacies for your enjoyment, but they existed as Christmas and birthday gifts for friends and family. All now gone.

That, dear readers, is a damn good reason to curse like a rebellious Catholic school girl.

The day I realized this particular loss I began to swear at the fire like a madman. I used the word "asshole" more than a bunch of proctologists at a rectal convention. Seriously, it wasn't pretty.

However, one can only swear so much before finally getting over oneself and fixing the problem.

Luckily, here in California, it's the peak of kumquat season and the local kumquat tree is in total hardcore bloom. The green branches are so emblazoned with huge orange clusters of what have to be the biggest kumquats I've ever seen that they're beginning to sag and break.

-Sucks to be you, East Coast.-

A perfect time to start preserving and pickling and jamming once again. Candied kumquats, kumquat salsa, and pickled kumquats... they're all being churned out here and being canned as fast as my little hands can put them together.

However, I've added a new kumquat recipe to my repertoire. These piquant citrus fruits are being preserved this time, the same way you might preserve a lemon. The end result will be fragrant, floral, bits of kumquat that can grace the most delicate baked fish, layered into a grilled cheese, or diced into a salad.

As one who doesn't own a lemon tree and therefore isn't "burdened" (who are you kidding lemon tree owners?) with an overabundance of fruit it's a nice alternative. Quirky and unique - it sets my kitchen and dishes apart from others and is a fine way to begin restocking the larder.

-It's hard to swear when you taste one of these, but it's fun to give it a shot anyways. Fun game for the kids.-

Preserved Kumquats
The below is a rough recipe. It's easy enough that you can just toss it together so don't fret about making it or specifics. I made a a few jars in a few sizes and basically kept going until I ran out of kumquats.

Kumquats
Kosher salt
lemon juice (about 2 lemons worth for every 1/2 pint jar)
Spices (optional; I used peppercorns, a bay leaf, and a cinnamon stick)

1. Place a tablespoon of salt at the bottom of a sterilized jar.

2. One by one, prepare the kumquats in the following way. Pick off any protruding stems, then cut the kumquats as if you were going to cut them in half lengthwise, starting from the tip, but do not cut all the way. Keep the kumquat attached at the base. Make another cut in a similar manner, so now the lemon is quartered, but again, attached at the base. (These were big kumquats, smaller ones you should only have to cut once.)

3. Pack the inside of the kumquat generously with salt.

4. Pack the kumquats in the jar, squishing them down so that juice is extracted. Fill up the jar with kumquats. Add the lemon juice to top them off and add an extra few tablespoons of salt.

5. Seal the jar and let sit at room temperature for a couple days. Turn the jar upside down occasionally. Put in refrigerator and let sit, again turning upside down occasionally, for at least 2 weeks.

6. To use wash off the excess salt and use as needed. Store for up to 6 months.

-Pictured: giving house fires the finger.-

Kumquat trees (grow very well in cold climates) - Four Winds Growers
Candied Kumquats - Simply Recipes
Kumquat Salsa - Simply Recipes
Pickled Kumquats

Kumquat Mojito in 82 December

-Rum+Kumquats+Orange+Mint=Very Merry Christmas-

Southern California winters are vastly different from Northern California winters, or indeed any other winter in the world. The leaves on the trees don't change color, but rather retain their verdant foliage. Defiantly, they dance in the balmy wind making laughing sounds as they flutter into one another. "Ha ha, Earth! Ha ha, Sun! Take your solstice and shove it!" they cry.

BF and I actually stripped down to t-shirts, jeans, and flip-flops to walk Faith, my mother's dog, a spirited and well-behaved Weimaraner whose only real fault is being unable to comprehend that, no, the cats do not want to be your friend. The sun was high and bright, blinding you like the light over the dentist's chair. A breezy wind was always at our backs gently pushing us along to see as much of this Mid-Winter Spring as we could. It was 79 degrees outside.

82 Fahrenheit. December 20th.

I'll let this sink in for a bit.

Seriously, So Cal has plenty of issues, but the weather is not one of them. I wish I could pack the sunshine and verdant air into my luggage and bring it back with me. Growing up here made me a total wuss to any other weather which causes me to expire and complain in whiny pitches so high only animals can hear me bitch with contempt, "Sweet Rum Sucking Christ, it's too damn hot/cold." Having recently escaped the snow inducing temperatures of Nor Cal it's good to be back in my native system where my body can rejuvenate.

This land of eternal sun puts you in a Summer mindset. I'm ready to bust out the BBQ (indeed, we'll be throwing some flank steak on the grill for Christmas dinner) and I have a hunger for freshly churned custard heavy ice cream, and the sensation of having a plum's juice trickle down my arm and ripple off my elbow after taking a generous bite. Sadly, the produce isn't quite as agreeable and willfully follows the tilt of the earth.

-Little capsules of Spring spring up surprisingly early in Orange County.-

Still, citrus is abundant here and the warm weather has allowed my mother's mint plant to thrive like a small invading army ready to conquer the yard. I found a fresh supply of kumquats - though I was reticent to pay for them as I'm so used to getting them for free from my tree - and decided a refreshing mojito would be the perfect drink to go along with reading in a patio chair outside.

Simple, easy, light. A perfect, citrusy-tart sweet drink in the middle of Winter. Or faux-Spring. Whatever it is for you.

-Why is all the rum gone? Because I drank a bunch of these mojitos.-

Kumquat Mojito
4 kumquats, sliced
juice of half of an orange
4 mint leaves, torn
1 teaspoon of sugar
2 ounces white rum
2 ounces of club soda
crushed ice
slice of kumquat and sprig of mint for garnish (optional)

1. Put the kumquats, orange juice, mint leaves, and sugar into a glass and muddle them.

2. Add the rum, soda, and ice and stir. Serve.

-Why do I not do more drinks or cocktails on this blog? Because I drink faster than I take pictures.-

Kumquat Spice Cupcakes

After a day of hurting my brain with homework I needed to charge myself with something sweet. I had a small stack of kumquats begging to be used, their little orange skins reflecting the waning daylight in a way that filled me with a citrusy empathy towards them. I decided to make a tiny batch of cupcakes - just six. A simple even number, not too many to have around the house or cart to work, but not so few I would be sad after eating the last one. Paired with a bit of cinnamon and allspice and a few bits of dried pineapple the cupcake was a hit. Its Pacific flavors were simple and complimentary and while a cream cheese frosting would have been best a basic butter frosting did great in a pinch.

Kumquat Spice Cupcakes
Makes 6 cupcakes

What You'll Need:
1/2 cup sugar
3 tablespoons butter, at room temperature
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla
1 egg, room temperature
1/2 of cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon of allspice
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup of chopped dried pineapple
6 large kumquats, seeded and chopped
extra kumquats for decoration, optional

What You'll Do:
1 Preheat the oven to 350 F. Cream the butter until light and fluffy. Add sugar and cream till light and fluffy again, scraping down the sides halfway through to ensure even mixing.

2 Add the egg and vanilla. Be sure to scrape down the sides after each egg to ensure even mixing.

3 Combine the flour, salt, baking powder, cinnamon and allspice in one bowl. Add one-third of the dry ingredients and mix, then add half of the milk. Continue alternating with the wet and dry mixtures, ending with the dry. Stop mixing once just as the ingredients become incorporated; do not overbeat.

4 Fold in the chopped fruit. Scoop into cupcake papers about one half to three-quarters of the way full. Bake for 18-20 minutes, rotating the pan after the first 15 to ensure even baking. Be sure to check with a toothpick to see if the cupcakes are done. If the toothpick comes out of the cupcake clean, then they're ready. Allow the cupcakes to cool for a minute or two in the pan, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Frost when cooled.

Basic Frosting
4 tablespoons of butter
heaping 3/4 cup of sugar
1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Put together in a bowl and cream the hell out of it.

Pickled Kumquats

Kumquat season is approaching once again, and Elise and I found ourselves in the familiar pickle. What do you do with a zillion kumquats?

So when life puts you in a pickle, you make pickles.

These odd sounding pickled kumquats are truly quirky when thought about, but in actual taste they are very sweet, very tart, and nicely spiced. The kumquats are quickly blanched, then immersed in a bath of sugar, vinegar and aromatics such as cinnamon and cloves. They’re delicious to say the least, but the longer they sit the better the flavor gets. Tasty on their own they would also pair perfectly with roast chicken, layered in a grilled cheese sandwich, or simply garnishing a simple sald.

After about a week some of the pectin in the seeds and pith and the sugar make the vinegar become a bit thick making the pickles even sweeter and more tart in the syrupy brine. Very tasty and perfect when roasted with some veggies such as kohlrabi.

This little pickling project also falls in step with my food new year resolution: to can more of my own food. I figure this way I can save some cash and make something tasty for myself and friends.
Pickled Kumquats
Makes about 4 cups

2 lbs (about four cups) of kumquats, sliced in half and any seeds easily accessible discarded
water
1 teaspoon of salt
3 cups of white vinegar
1 cup of sugar
4 cardamom pods
5 cloves
6 peppercorns
1 teaspoon of ground ginger
1 cinnamon stick

1) Place kumquats in a pan. Cover with water and add the salt. Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer for 5 minutes. Drain and set aside.

2) Place vinegar, sugar, and spice in a pan and bring to a boil. Add the kumquats. Allow to simmer for 1 minute.

3) Can into sterilized jars. Be sure that the kumquats are fully immersed into the liquid and leave 1/2 in. of head space.