Note To Self: Use Apron

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"God. Dammit." I muttered in a bitter tone through bitter chocolate.

It was my own fault really. I should have put on an apron. It only took a split second for my hand to come down and accidentally flip an entire bowl of cocoa powder all over myself.

Since I had been cooking only a bit earlier my face, wet with sweat when the incident occurred, was now muddy with chocolate. As I opened my eyes I could feel the musky powder slip off my eyelashes and onto the floor. My left cheek was completely caked, and I could taste the pungent oils on my lips.

The polo shirt I was wearing was only half-alright, the thick brown stripes perfectly matched the powder, you could barely even tell cocoa from cotton. It was the thick white stripes that I was concerned about. My pants, previously a light khaki, were now a hazy auburn. Turning to glimpse myself in the mirror I looked like I just tussled with Indiana Jones in the middle of a dessert.

A fine sifting of powder had accumulated on the floor making a delicate stencil of my feet like a pointillistic art piece. Eat Beast was already investigating this as possible snackies.

It was a Dutch processed mess of epic proportions.

I looked down. I was tired. I really wanted to finish this truffle making project. There were only a few more to roll out. Going up stairs and changing just didn't sound appealing right now. However, these clothes had to be treated now if they were ever going to be worn again. A little stain of chocolate is one thing, a volley of cocoa powder exploding into a blanketing dust could on you is another.

I turned to Eat Beast who was already diligently trying to help clean the mess feed his fat face. "To hell with this," I said to him. He looked up and meowed in agreement, then continued licking up his lucky meal.

So, right in my kitchen, I stripped off my shirt and pants, chucked them in the sink, turned on the cold water and threw in some dish soap. Opening a nearby drawer I took out my rarely used apron and put it on, being sure to secure it with a tight square knot. (It's a personal habit of mine to always put it on after I stain my clothes.)

There in my boxer briefs and apron I rolled out twenty more truffles.

The entire time I prayed my roommate would continue sleeping. I imagine that trying to explain this so it didn't sound like I was ripping off a bad sitcom would be unlikely.

I made another batch the next day; this time with apron tied.


  1. I did the same thing one time except it was a newly purchased and therefore full container of parmasan in one of those little plastic tub things with a lid.

    It didn't occur to me at the time to strip down to my skivvies. Maybe next time.

  2. Oh man, I have SO been there! Now add a 2 year old trying to "help", and the mess spreads quickly...

  3. Aprons are awesome. The only one I have was hand-crocheted by my Mom and is completely useless: It is one of those little French Maid things. So it's good for symbolic reasons. But I have been wanting an apron for some time now. Wrapping a towel around my waist doesn't work-- it always ends up on the floor. Hope the chocolate stains come out!

  4. Um, hello?!? Sexiest mess EVER.

  5. The thought of me standing in my kitchen covered head-to-toe in cocoa is close to being my worst nightmare. I imagine the kitchen cleanup was also a doozy.

    Great blog!

  6. You leave the clean up for the morning and hope the cat gets most of it, and then blame it on a chocolate seeking intruder, pretend to call police while waving arms and pointing at the footprint in the dust.

  7. You do know that chocolate/cocoa is bad for cats, right? Because both methylxanthines caffeine & theobromine can cause toxicity in cats...

  8. Annonymous: You're new here, aren't you?

  9. Eat Beast is my personal hero.

  10. I always look forward to reading your new entries. Ever thought about writing a book about your kitchen adventures? It would be hugely popular! :)

  11. Kyle - I think you just volunteered to pet sit.

    Wei - That's one of the best compliments I've ever received, thank you. =)

  12. I always look forward to hearing more about the eat beast. LOL My five year old loves the video you posted about him chowing down on some buckwheat pancakes. I let him know the eat beast was back in action and he said "sweet!".

    Love your blog - you're a very good and very writer.

  13. At least it was just chocolate. I've absent-mindedly started breaking down large animals (deer, pigs, etc) without an apron and, when I needed leverage for a particular cut, hugged the carcass like... I... always... do. Shit. Fat and blood and who-knows-what-else all over my goddamn shirt.

    So be thankful it was just chocolate. Besides, you had Eat Beast to help!

  14. Hi Garrett, Big messes are a regular feature in my small kitchen; I so well understand why you decided to finish the job in your shorts. Your tale reminds me of the French omelet I cooked for a new beau the Sunday morning after the night before. I was in the altogether,showing off, demonstrating the correct way to flip an omelet. I knew you're supposed to use a plate, but it seemed more impressive to flip it in the air to turn it over in the pan. Up went the hot eggs, which landed squarely on my chest, to then slide down where gravity decided. Talk about a burn. That was my first indoctrination on wearing at least an apron.

    Kudos on the way you write your blog. So natural, easy to read, which makes a great difference. Thanks. Michael

  15. Love it!

    If it shall ever happen again, you could refer your roommate to this post ;)


Hey, you're leaving a comment! That's pretty darn cool, so thanks. If you have any questions or have found an error on the site or with a recipe, please e-mail me and I will reply as soon as possible.

Vanilla Garlic All rights reserved © Blog Milk Powered by Blogger