Snot the Best Grapes You Could Buy

Monday, December 8, 2008

From the Archives.

So we've all shared in my experiences with unruly ankle biters (monsters in the shape of children) and the irresponsible hosts they spawned out of (parents) in social gustatory settings. We've also seen how unsanitary people can be when sneezing over or touching public food.

But this last one, this takes the god damn cake.

I was at the market and was walking over to the grapes. Across the display was a child old enough to chew steak crammed into the toddler seat of the shopping cart looking over the grapes. As I ripped off a bag I looked up and noticed the kid's face suddenly become gnarled as he breathed in and tilted his head back.

"Oh Sweet Jesus, no..." I thought to myself with dread.

The child began to sneeze furiously over and over, each one echoing louder than the last. It was like a fireworks finale was occurring in the produce section. Luckily the kid was well mannered enough to cover his mouth so I was felt okay about it and grabbed the grapes at the total opposite end of where the child was.

And then he wiped his hands on the grapes display.

Mom turned around and nodded at him, "Oh honey bless you, but next time ask mom for a tissue or something." She then began to walk away. Yes. She just left the grapes which her son and left behind the visible chunks and shmears of snot streaked across the grapes.

"Excuse me!?" another woman barked, "Aren't you going to take those grapes or call someone or something?"

"I'm sorry?"

I helpfully chirped in. "Your son just wiped his snot all over the grapes. You can see it. You can't just leave them there."

"Well people should wash their food when they get it home anyways, you never know whose touching it."

You are shitting me... "I agree, but blatantly wiping your mucus over food is different than just bits of dirt from handling."

"You should tell someone," the other woman noted, backing me up.

"Well I don't want to buy those grapes!!!" she screeched as she the levees of sanity broke and the demonic she-bitch she was hiding revealed itself. "I DON'T WANT THOSE GRAPES! THEY HAVE SNOT ON THEM!" Her face was contorted and red. Her kid ignored all of us and was halfway into a box of cereal for the toy.

The other woman started back at her, "It's your kid's snot!"

"And they'll probably just throw them away and not worry about it." This was where we had to start calming her down before a scene began. However, just to be sure I started to eye Rob a bit and try to send a telepathic message to grab a coconut to bean her in the head with. Just in case.

"I DON'T WANT THOSE GRAPES! Just because my kid is sick, it's my responsibility!?"

"YES." The other woman and I resounded back in unison.

"Don't you people tell me how to raise my child!!! IT'S NOT YOUR CHILD AND IF YOU DON'T WANT SNOTTY GRAPES, DON'T BUY THEM!" And she stormed off, presumably to devour other shoppers.

The other woman and I looked at each other. "Some people..." as she rolled her eyes.

I laughed, "Yeah, and they're reproducing."

"Heaven help us."

"Indeed," I nodded, "I think I'll be getting pears instead."

The grapes were removed by the store immediately.


  1. People astound me with their blatant stupidity and complete disregard for others! I mean seriously no one wants to take responsibility for their actions anymore and sadly she's passing that attitude on to her child! Who in their right mind thinks it's ok to wipe your hands on anything that is being sold in a store, let alone wiping snot on something and something edible at that! Ick! Even if Alexis had accidentally sneezed on something I would have bought it and trust me if you have a kid you've got SOMETHING in your bag that you could have used to clean them up other than having to resort to wiping their hands off on nearby grapes! Better yet if they are sick then stay home!!

    Sorry for ranting, but this sort of things just crawls all over me! We need to teach respect again. It's getting lost somewhere!

  2. Suddenly I'm viewing the plastic gloves they make us use here in Italy in another light--for our own protection against snot.

    Thanks for enlightening.

    And? Ew.

  3. Where do you shop? I need to avoid that store.

  4. I like the witty title!
    There are some really crazy, rude, dumba** people out there.
    I'm guessing that the supermarket management might not have even made her pay for the grapes -- they might have just thrown them away and thanked her for telling them!

  5. Once again, I'm utterly dumbfounded. At least you and the other shopper called her on her bullshit.

  6. I'm in Sacramento for a wedding this weekend and I really hope to avoid all of these insane people that seem to live there!

  7. You sure have some suspicious luck when shopping or venturing about food facilities. Between rude moms and rude grandmas you have a keen ability to find them.

  8. I love it. I find myself always thinking those things but, never actually saying them. Its good to know you were there to defend justice.

  9. ahhh but..didn't a wise one once say that "it's snot what you take, but what you leave behind"?? She was being profound :)

  10. EW. Why are people so inconsiderate of others? So glad that I will not be contributing to the inssanity by having children.

  11. Okay, so I have 3 boys of my own. One who is prone to a snotty nose. In fact, had his adenoids taken out in June to get rid of said snotty nose. We never, and I mean never took him into the grocery store when he was having nose issues. Its just not right. Im no saint though. Im sure my kids have sneezed in the grocery before. But I always have handiwipes in my purse and ready to go. And they know to ask. Its just general consideration for others.

    People like that who dont teach their kids good manners make all parents look bad. Its a shame. It doesnt take a lot to teach your child how to do things the right way.

  12. I'm Mom to four kids under the age of 8. That's just unconscionable. I wish I could say that I couldn't believe that an adult would be so irresposible and set such a horrible example, but unfortunately, I can.

  13. I will be sure to have my husband read this post. He seems to think it isn't necessary to wash fruit and vegetables before eating them... This should cure him of that.

  14. where do you shop? You seem to run into the most gross people there.
    I'd like to stay away from that store.

  15. Yeah, what eileen and sue said.

    I'm moving to Sacto in two weeks (yay!) so I need to know which grocery stores to avoid.

  16. How gross, but I never cease to be amazed at how some parents refuse to be responsible for their little urchins and act horrified if you expect them to be. I've had six children, and never wouldI or my children have behaved that way. I can assure you that I will be washing my produce every time after this post!

  17. What a psycho. I can't deal with parents who can't quite get to adulthood. Take responsibility for your child's actions you crazy bitch!

    You need to start carrying a camera and post photos of these freaks. Public humiliation is the only way to deal with people this unreasonable and despicable.

  18. It happens. I'd just take the grapes up front and give em to an employee..."a kid just wiped his/her snot all over these".
    The end.

  19. Oh Garrett, this is just so gross. Astounding the refusal to take personal responsibility.

  20. You have got to have either the best or the worst luck with finding these kinds of people. You had me rolling with the crazy old lady at the bakery, but this one is insane!! You weren't telling her how to raise her child, you were telling her she was allowing disease to spread!! I'm so glad you said something to her, too often people just let that crap slide. Not me, I am definitely the kind of person to step up and say something. BRAVO!!

  21. WOW... just when you think you've seen it all

  22. Horrible and hilarious! I totally agree! Oh, and what store was this?

  23. I think I could have lived without hearing that story. BUT I'll watch for snot laden children in the produce aisles.

  24. I can't believe the nerve of some people. Congrats for speaking up.

  25. ...and they're allowed to vote and drive cars...

  26. I can't go into a Whole Foods produce section without thinking of this story.

  27. Egads that's horrific!!
    But I just couldn't look away, I had to read on!

    Great Blog!


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