Decorum in Public - This Post is Rated "R"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Every once in a while I like to relate a tale of gross social incompetence and the general lack of public common decency that seems to run wild. Today though I would like to address the idea of general speech out in public. Certain conversations should be kept to lower levels for the sake of saving everyone else the pleasure of knowing your business.

Don't get me wrong, I'll trade dirty jokes, seedy secrets, and talk sex and debauchery at a restaurant table with friends no problem. In fact it's a hobby. Yet I keep my voice down so that only the people at my table need to hear it.

However certain people have apparently skipped this chapter in Miss Manners' guide to decorum. Take the following example, set in the baking aisle at a local Whole Foods, one girl, chatting with her friend shrieked aloud:

"Oh my God, I do not need anymore yeast. I just saw my gynecologist and I swear to Jesus, if it gets anymore yeasty down there I'm gonna give birth to a fucking sourdough loaf."

After I stopped laughing my ass off - you have to admit, it was hilarious - I noticed how one parent seemed a bit pissed and another girl just went red and a bit shocked at overhearing it. Seriously, any sort of bid'ness you got going on in your general crotch/groin area, I really don't need to know it. Especially if I don't know you.

Example two, heard at work:
"Oh lord, that is the last time I eat a chili dog and my fiber pill at the same time!"

Ew. Just... ew. We don't even need to discuss this one.

Example three:
While grabbing some wine for a New Years party, one girl was on her phone and noted, "Girl, I don't know about you, but tonight I'm gonna get me some DICK!"

So elegant. So ladylike. So, so nasty. Honey, put your peaches back in the can and take 'em home. We don't need any of that up in the market.

So please, remember. People are always listening and may not want to hear it. If you plan to discuss such things, keep your voice down a bit. I'm not condemning, part of me is reminding myself. I know I've voiced my own exploits out loud, especially after imbibing a little (or when bored and going for pure shock for fun). So we're all a little guilty; we just need to watch our voices a little. ;)


  1. I don't usually comment here, preferring to lurk, but I have to say, this post had me laughing aloud- What wonderful/horrible conversations to walk in! Thanks for sharing, and I'll try to keep this lesson in mind next time I'm talking loudly in public. ;)

  2. "Honey, put your peaches back in the can and take 'em home. We don't need any of that up in the market."

    That line really made this post. I'm still laughing.

  3. ROLF... Elise is featuring Chili recipes today. Are you doing a sour dough recipe tomorrow? Or maybe one on canned peaches :P

    :) I love your posts Garret! You've gotta be a great guest at a dinner table! -yay

  4. Oh my gosh, so funny! Thanks for the laugh on a rather ordinary Tuesday.

  5. I really wish I thought you were joking but I know you aren't. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I'm really not that old but I do wish some times that I could walk up to people and smack them for being idiots in public, especially when I have toddlers in tow that like to repeat everything they hear or ask questions.

    Keep writing, I always look for updates and it makes me pine for back home.

  6. Totally funny! I love those examples.

  7. Holy crap. That peaches line is going to be used frequently by me now.

    You are priceless Garrett. One of my alltime favorite blogs to read.

  8. Giving birth to a sourdough loaf. chili dog and fiber pill. omg, that's friggin funny.

  9. You had me at the title. :)

    I totally agree, and next time we dine together I am going to ply you with wine just to hear some of your stories!


    Love ya G.

  10. "Honey, put your peaches back in the can and take 'em home. We don't need any of that up in the market."

    Lol!! Good Lord.. That was awesome! :)

  11. This is why I love your blog. Of course I come here for the insanely unique and delicious looking cupcakes... but mostly because you make me laugh out loud!!

    Thank you for posting this :D


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