VG Kitchen Remodel: The Before & The Plans

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I'm back. Sort of. Kind of. As you may or may not know depending how often you visit the blog posting has been rather sporadic as of late. Between planning a book tour, a massive fund raiser at my work, and the fingernail ripping pains of escrow I've been rather busy.

Still, I finally closed escrow and come Friday - unless HUD decides to continue being a dick and delays itself again - I should have keys in my hand.

And while there is no running water, or garbage cans, or service to pick up said cans, and a front gate that doesn't latch, there's also crayon on the walls, a turd in the toilet that's been there for two weeks when a homeless guy broke in and stayed the night, and there's a bit of wood rot in the eaves with a moldy shadow that whispers anti-Semitic remarks at me... this house is mine! This piece of crap house is finally mine!

I suppose this sort of euphoria is normal, the way mothers are completely mindwiped of the previous twelve hours of vagina-ripping birth horror the second they pick up their child. House keys do the same thing with memories of escrow. Had I not documented the fact that it was such a nightmare I would probably just pass it off in conversation as, "Oh yes, it was unpleasant. You'll get through it though. It's so worth it!

I have yet to see this be the case for myself, but after looking at my interest rate and mortgage payments that are scads lower than what I was paying in rent it's certainly shaping up to be. 

Until that time comes around there must be construction. The kitchen, to be exact. The rest of the house consists of lots of little projects. (Well, okay, the yard is Lovecraftian Beast formed of neglect and spite and crowned with a dilapidated hot tub; but that can wait.) 

The kitchen has gas. That's the plus. The only plus.

Currently, the layout as it stands is crap. It's tiny and impractical for functional flow or movement. The oven is totally busted and there is no fridge or dishwasher to speak of. There's a poorly painted door where someone didn't tape up the glass that lies about four feet away from the front door for no logical reason. A tiny nook for a table the size of a footstool is provided for your convenience. The cabinets are ugly and covered in fairly horrifying stencils I assume a bored housewife popped on back in 1978 when it was cool and cable T.V. couldn't fulfill a bored housewife's needs all hours of the day. 

I could go on, but allow me to show you instead...

-Here you can see the shoddy door and lack of cabinet and counter space. If you look above you can see the busted light box where which a broken pipe hides. Notice the slight bulge in the ceiling from the water damage from a busted pipe. Also, that is crappy linoleum and not tile.-

-This stove is literally older than I am. Also, note the gag reflex-inducing stencils and wood veneer. -

-The window does not budge.-

-The other positive thing is there is a lot of light. This much light, sadly, is not worth a lack of work surface or storage. Also, behold the world's smallest breakfast nook.-

-Ugh.-

So, obviously, we're remodeling it all. All. As in this is a full-on gut job. We are building a whole new kitchen.

Brian and I will be doing all of the demo with help from family (mostly my mom, who out of her saintly nature is assisting us with this venture both financially and with some demolition knowhow that neither husband nor I possess) and friends. We'll also be doing a lot of installation ourselves, and we have been actively hunting for floor samples, sinks, surfaces, and everything else you can imagine.

Don't even get me on the paint color discussion. I'm pretty sure one of us will get a paint roller crammed up the ass before the end of this. (And it will be him if he thinks I will let him paint the kitchen any shade of purple. "No, Brian, I do not think it would be cool to cut up aubergines in the aubergine kitchen. What is wrong with you?")

After a lot of meetings with a kitchen designer and cabinet maker we've come up with this nifty solution:

-It's like reading sheet music. You know it all makes sense, but hell if you can make it out. (Also, yes, I can read sheet music. Shut up. I played the flute for fifteen years.)-

What you see before you are new cabinets, a microwave with hood, two ovens, a gas range, a dishwasher, french door fridge, banquet, and plenty of functional cabinets and granite countertops. Yes. Sweet baby Jesus, yes. 
-This gets me excited. I'm so wet you could drown an infant in my panties right now.-

-Yes, we lost a lot of natural light on this side of the kitchen, but the overhanding cabinet and hood where the stove used to be are gone, allowing light to come in from the many windows in the dining and living rooms.-

-Like so.-

I am both terrified and super psyched. I'll be detailing the whole process on here from start to finish as best as my little hands, brain, and sanity will let me. 

Send your prayers, people. And, if you have one, a sledgehammer. 

Garrett out.

23 comments:

  1. What stove are you planning on installing? Are you going with one of the pseudo-pro ranges (Viking, Wolf, etx) or a higher end residential job? I'm building a house in the next year or so and this is a decision I've been wrestling with. While the founder of Viking graduated from my alma mater, I'm not sure I want to drop that many thousands on the range alone.

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    1. Nope, we are going with high end residential.

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  2. Now is when you wish Kitchen Crashers would find you.

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    1. I still have plenty of house any TV show is welcome to. Seriously, its like a meth-riddled wreck in some spots.

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  3. Best of luck! We did a full remodel of kitchen and bath last summer and it was HELL! But, I have to say in the long run it is completely worth it! I love my new kitchen, the bath downstairs is beautiful and I almost forgot how horrible it was living for 4 months with only running water in the upstairs bathroom and the hose outside, and only a microwave and grill to cook with. Really, I am almost over it :) At least I can now say I was able to pickle peppers using a garden hose and a propane turkey fryer, because I was NOT letting those beautiful hot peppers go to waste!

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  4. This is a totally random suggestion, but any way you could stack the 2 ovens, perhaps to the right of the fridge? At my last house, we had the range separate from the stove, and I have to say, I loved it. Anytime you have the oven on to warm or bake, plus hovering over the stove, it can get hot as balls. I picture folks standing on the other side of the bar, happy with drink in hand, while you try not to drip sweat into your pan and maintain an air of breeziness despite the growing pit stains, and thought I'd throw that out there. :)

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    1. We wanted more counter and a microwave/hood. =)

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  5. There is nothing like remodeling to wake you up to the realities of how much everything costs in a house. But your kitchen is going to be gorgeous and you will love having your own house. Any plans for a garden?

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    1. Yes, but even going into that right now will cause me to stroke out. ;)

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  6. Oh my Garrett, you have my utmost sympathies!! The process can just be flat out bull sometimes, my husband and I are buying a house right now and it hasn't been a walk in the park through no fault of our own. The cabinets don't look...too horrible...they're kitschy-charm? I wish you all the best with it and I hope the demo provides some catharsis in this whole thing for you!! Good luck!!!

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    1. The cabinets are bunk on the inside, too.

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  7. I'm assuming that's a belly up to the bar counter. If it is, get rid of the overhang on the work prep side. Nightmare to clean. Opening it up is also a really great idea. You end up not feeling so isolated in the kitchen. Nice design. Good luck! BTW, find out who does warranty work on your appliances and their reputation before buying. Saves grief at the other end. Nice design and good luck!

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    1. Sears will be doing warranty on the appliances. 5 years warranties on all of them.

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  8. Congrats on the house! My sympathies on the remodel. At least it is in California, land of lovely weather, great fresh food, and salads. And take-out. It is going to be so awesome when done, and you will have rescued a house! I hope you wind up with the kitchen of your dreams!
    But be patient, and be prepared for difficulties. Persevere!!!

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    1. True, but with no fridge for a while to keep them in even salads will be a challenge.

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  9. Haha! This whole piece on your kitchen and all I see is "...I'm so wet you can drown an infant in my panties right now." Congrats on the new house, praying to whatever gods there are out there that you get your keys tomorrow and can smash some cabinets up this weekend (those stencils are horrendous).

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  10. Wow! Can't wait to hear about the updates on here. As scary as it might be (or get) I'm sure it will be well worth it in the end. Keep us posted!

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  11. Kitchen looks fab for layout. Colour is hard though when someone else’s ideas on colour are not the same - it has taken me a year to find a colour that both husband and I can live happily with. Now to find the contractors – I’ve reached the age where I prefer (and can afford) to have someone do it for me.!

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  12. I love the artist renderings and wish you the best!! (Don't forget to include eating out in the remodeling budget!)

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    1. I have a hotplate and a toaster oven to get me through.

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  13. Oh, please don't do purple. It sounds like it would be awesome but, it's really not; especially for a kitchen. I know froom experience. Once you get it on the walls, it's just...no. When I moved into my house (it was a foreclosure), the prior owners painted the whole house LAVENDAR! The kitchen was a darker lavendar than the living room. It does not brighten up the room, at all, and it gives the area a greyish feeling. Not one that you want for a kitchen nor to be thrown upon your food!

    I ended painting the kitchen an understated yellow. Yellow is great for kitchens because it brightens and it also increases your appetite!

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    1. There are purple flecks in the granite. That was all I was able to accommodate. ;)

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  14. Cram as many power points in as you can, would be my advice after a kitchen reno 2 years ago. I didn't think I needed 16, but they have all been very useful...

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Hey, you're leaving a comment! That's pretty darn cool, so thanks. If you have any questions or have found an error on the site or with a recipe, please e-mail me and I will reply as soon as possible.
~Garrett

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