"I don't work here."

Monday, November 12, 2007

"Excuse me, can you help me?" A tiny lady in a hot pink sweat suit and sunglasses bigger than a head is facing my friend while I peruse the Asian goods aisle for soba noodles.

"Um, I don't work here," my friend turns around and looks at the lady. Why she asked us I don't know. We're both looking a little unkempt right now; unshaven, wearing tattered clothes, looking like we just came off the bad end of a hard night of drinking (I really just don't bother with making myself pretty on the weekends). Oh, and the lack of the slacks, white shirts, name tags and aprons weren't a giveaway either.

"Well can you help me anyways?"

"Uh, can I ask with what?" my friend replied. We figure, what the hell, maybe it's something simple? I doubt it but at least it's the universe asking him for the small favor which will most likely result in a kick to his karmic groin. I attract The Stupids way too easily, apparently being around me is contagious and attracts them to any carriers I happen to infect. Tough luck for any of you out there who know me on a personal level.

"Can you help me take my groceries to my car?" she queried.

We were puzzled; not from the request but from the fact that she only has a carton of orange juice in her hand. It didn't seem like she was having a problem. "Are your groceries out front?"

"Well I just started shopping, can you just stand by the front and wait for me to finish and then help me to my car?"

"Just wait for you at the front for you to finish?"


I decide to step aside and out of this one, for once it's not me suffering at the hands of The Stupids. I smile and enjoy every minute of it.

My friend however is starting to get annoyed, "Well, I don't work here. They can have a bag boy help you with that."

"But I asked you."

"But I don't work here."

"I don't see what that has to do with it. You said you would help."

This all ended with the lady saying something about today's youth not respecting their elders, or walking to school barefoot up the razor blade streets uphill both ways in the snow. Or something. I dunno. We rolled our eyes and grabbed what we came for. I'm happy that I dodged the bullet for once.

Then I dropped a can of cannellini beans on my sandaled food. Natch.


  1. I can sympathize 100%, I get the damndest requests too from complete strangers. Elderly people I don't mind at all, it's the overly needy category that get on my nerves. You know the ones, everything that comes out of their mouth is a question "Where is the bagboy? Over there? Do you think if I were to ask them they'd know? etc"

    Hope your foot is better!

  2. So it's not JUST you, it's merely being in your proximity? Now that is some powerful, somewhat misguided, mojo!

  3. Its really evil of you passing The Stupids onto your friends. That is why I like you.

  4. You attract the most bizarre people. Do you think she was messing with you? Because that would be funny. The kind of thing I'd do if I were old and bored.

  5. That's very much the kind of thing my grandmother would do. Only with a very thick German accent so you'd have to keep asking her to repeat herself. And she'd probably ask you if you were Jewish, and if you were she'd tell you about me.

  6. wow..that's amazing. i don't understand why the elderly seem to think that you were put on earth to serve them.

  7. thats so fuckin weird and funny... thanks for sharing.

  8. I happen to know many, many elderly people..none of them would pull a stunt like this...way too classy and independent. I think the poor old lady was suffering some type of dementia or something.


  9. That is really weird. I would have just been like "Yeah, sure, I'll go outside now and I'll be waiting when you get out. See you then!"

    Then I would have just finished shopping and left.

  10. LOL! I always get asked for help in stores I don't work in, but no one has ever asked me to take groceries to their car. Impressive.

  11. do you have some karmic connection to my husband? He also gets the stupids. He says he must have a sign that only the strange and demented can see that says "talk to me" I swear they come out of the woodwork.

  12. Wow! You come into contact with the eeriest people. You must have some sort of magnet that attracts them. Great story though, tee hee!

  13. That's so funny I almost peed myself! I want to be like her when I grow old. Actually, could you just come with me to the store? That would be a whole lot more convenient.

  14. hmmm...

    Would it have been so much of an imposition for you to help her with her bags?

    Who is truly the Stupid?

  15. Well greg, she wanted us to wait for her to do her shopping, who knows how long she would have been? If she had just been leaving, then sure. You have to read the story before commenting. ;)


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