Did Jesus Drink Bourbon? (No, he did not.)

Friday, January 16, 2009

I have a bad habit of interrupting people and interjecting myself into conversations that I'm not neccessarily a part of (but feel the near stroke inducing need to make my opinion heard). It's something I'm working on controlling, however time and again I find myself pulled into a dailogue with the gravitic force of a neutron star. I can't help it, I was raised to be vocal and make myself heard and damnit I will be.

The situation in question today occurred at work where many strange and ususual conversations have taken place before (I'm still trying to find that carrot bush). I tend to be a sort of universal axis for the inane people of the world, it all draws close to me, soley. No longer a case of simply Murphey's Law, I belong to a the greater intellectual and situational sphere of Murphey's Physics: All shit and everyone else's shit can and will happen to me.

As I sat at my desk my ears perked up to hear, "I think Jesus probably drank bourbon. I mean, he's Jesus." There was no sarcasm or smile, this statement was made with all seriousness. Struck with my inability to let someone exist while being wrong I decided to jump in and save the day with my own informed and obviously correct opinion (in this case read: fact) as is the duty of Know-It-All's everywhere.

"Actually, I doubt Jesus ever once tasted bourbon," I interjected. "You see it just wasn't around back then. Wine, heck yeah. Probably pomegranate wine and some form of mead too, but no way bourbon."

The couple having the discussion turned my way, the girl seemingly curious for me to continue, her friend raising an eyebrow at me. The eyebrow arched obtusely, challenging my forceful rebuttal.

"How do you know that for sure? Jesus was Jesus, he could have any drink he wanted," asked Eyebrow.

"Well, bourbon was developed in the Southern United States, a country which wouldn't exist for another eighteen-hundred years or so. In fact it's named after Bourbon County in Kentucky. Bourbon could never be in Israel at the time."

"Well, what if they shipped it over?"

"Also not possible. If no one is making it how could it be shipped? Corn wasn't even over on that part of the continent yet, nor did they use barrel aging in that part of the world to make spirits. They used earthenware jars. So the Middle East had neither the corn nor the method, as it didn't even exist in the birthplace of bourbon. I mean, yes, it's possible they had the corn, but they didn't make bourbon from it."

"Jesus could simply make bourbon. He would just know what it is."

"I don't think the bible said Jesus was a precog or psychic of any kind." I'll give it that Jesus had some awesome power, but lord almighty...

"He's Jesus, I'm sure he could find something very similar and buy that instead."

"No, he couldn't." I was now irate and beginning to show it. "There is the possibility that something similar to it could exist at 15 A.D., but it's not actually bourbon unless it's from the United States which didn't exist. Actually, no, I doubt it was anything like bourbon. And even then, Jesus was a carpenter. He was poor. I doubt he spent any money he did make on good booze. Any money he did have probably went to help people."

"Jesus could find and have it if he wanted to!"

"Based on what!?" I shot back.

"He's JESUS!" voice now raised.

Point for Eyebrow! How can I fight this razor sharp wit and spot on logic?

At this point a friend calmed me down a bit and told me I was needed elsewhere. I wasn't, but it was obvious this was going to escalate.

I suppose Jesus could have turned wine into bourbon if he knew what it was, but really, I doubt it. If Jesus blogged, he be over at Vinography I bet.


  1. yeah, HOW can you are argue with the logic of an eyebrow?

    *shakes head*

    um, jesus drank wine. he turned water into wine. not burbon. sheesh. ;)

  2. Assuming for a minute that Jesus was and is indeed the Lord Almighty, who is not bound by time or space, and for whom all things are possible, even impossible things, then yes, Jesus could have had Bourbon. He could still be walking among us drinking it now. Or He could have created a Boeing 747 to fly over Galilee and poured Bourbon from the heavens. But given that He was not that kind of a show-off, at least according to the Gospels, that Jesus would have drunk Bourbon is highly, absurdly improbable.

    And once again Garrett, you have proven yourself to be an ignoramus magnet.

  3. Hey thanks for laugh. I read this post aloud to S as I was sipping- you guessed it- bourbon. From, funnily enough, Tel Aviv. We Jews are famous for making bourbon. Just ask anyone.

  4. Poor Garret. Poor religion in general.

    The fact that you find so many people like this scares me. I'd avoid drinking from the public water source until you can have it tested for lead and other heavy metals.

  5. ..."Well, what if they shipped it over?"...

    I fully expected someone to get slapped after this statement was made.

  6. This idiot probably has something accidentally close to Elise's thought in mind, but I agree with her. Even if you wholly, totally and completely believe that Jesus is/was God and therefore omniscient, he wouldn't have dumped bourbon in the middle of a time and place incapable of reproducing it. Does it sometimes frighten you that people like your water-cooler pal are out there around us every day?

  7. Wow. The stupidity of some people amazes me. I mean, I guess you could say that Jesus, as the son of the almighty and all-powerful God, could be drinking bourbon as we speak, but the historical Jesus who lived in Nazareth certainly did not drink bourbon.

  8. I hate stupid people. They clutter life with their absurdities, and what's worse, they feel absolutely compelled to make everyone in their vicinity suffer because of their existence. I've often thought how wonderful it would be to have a magic wand that I could use to just make people disappear when they display qualities which are stupid, annoying, obnoxious, etc. But then, well, the world would probably be quite empty.

  9. I think this must have been a family member of mine. I'm quite sure I've had similar conversations during holidays

  10. Thank you for reminding me why I have become a recluse.

  11. It is stories like this that make me hope that this is an exercise in creative writing, and make me fall into a state of despair when I realize that it is not, in fact, a joke.

  12. I've heard it before, and now I believe it... Religion really DOES cause stupidity. One has to have total loss of sensibility and logic to believe that fairytale to begin with. Jesus likely existed, and was likely a great man. What the hell he had to drink seems like something only the truly 'devout' are interested enough in to argue about. Wasn't he the same kid born to a virgin, fathered by an "almight God" whose book includes the order to stone disobedient children to death and to buy the wife or daughter you rape from their family? So loving.

  13. WOW. garrett- never stop writing about stupid humans. NEVER!

  14. WOW. garrett- never stop writing about stupid humans! NEVER.

  15. Matthew 7:1 Jesus Wept, "I'll have a Makers Mark... Straight up..."

  16. I nearly choked reading your post. Can't you just imagine Jesus "juleping" the night away? I have just one comment/correction. Bourbon County Kentucky is named after the Bourbon region of France - although you are correct that "sippin whiskey" Bourbon originated in Kentucky". Many place names in Kentucky were originally French. My hometown, Louisville, is pronounced Lou-ee-ville because it was named after Louis the 15th (I think that's the right #).

  17. I've blogged about Jesus and booze before. I reckon if he did exist he drank a bit of the good grape. Don't understand these people who say he didn't drink wine.

    I wrote a post on what it was probably like. In short: very sweet, sticky and probably containing a lot of dirt.

    I think Jesus would probably drink Cabernet Sauvignon. He doesn't strike me as a white wine drinker, but I guess it would have gone with the five loves and two fishes.

    Cab Sauv, Merlot and Syrah are some of the most common grapes in the region so I would imagine it would be something along those lines, although a lot sweeter than what we're used to.

    I wrote a post about it a while back:



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