A Letter to God About A Girl and Wasabi -or- The Tale of the Burning Bush

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Dear God,

While normally I shake my fist at you for creating a society full of stupid people that mistake me for a hooker, give their children scalding tea, or think carrots grow on bushes. However, sometimes, they do provide me with a modicum of amusement. Sometimes that stupidity rolls over into a moment of inexplicable, deliriously funny, eye-watering hilarity.

I guess I was just lucky I went to pick up the sushi for the office that day. I guess I was just in the right place at the right time picking up my rolls. Maybe you knew I was having a tiring day and needed a really hard laugh to just make everything better.

Though, God, it seems cruel to make someone that stupid but yet give them just enough ability to function through life, albeit abysmally so. Like an elk with stubby antlers or a cross-eyed kitten, it's sort of pathetic but in an almost adorable way where you just want to pick up the creature and say in a comforting tone, "There there, no one blames you."

So when I walked into the sushi place and began to pay, a girl at the table next to me voice rose and said in a slight panic, her eyebrows wide with worry. "Ow. Ow! Shit. Hold on. I think I still have some wasabi in my vagina. Ow. Damn it!" and then took off to the bathroom. After which her entire table and a few surrounding ones just stared at her wide eyed. You would think we would laugh but you would be wrong. Everyone was just confused. (I did laugh in the car though. Lord, did I laugh.)

So Lord, how does a girl get wasabi in her vagina? Was wasabi maybe code for a fiery STD which was having a flare-up? Maybe slight of hand from one of her dining companions? ("You see the spicy tuna roll in my hand, and now *wave of the fingers* it's gone!") Is she really just that bad with her chopsticks? Is she unaware where exactly food goes (at least in the case of eating it?)? Really, God, really, how does someone in a crowded sushi bar get wasabi up, on, or around her vagina? I can't figure it out.

Just curious.

Thanks God.


*I wonder how many readers I scared off forever with the post title?


  1. Ok, forgive me, but I'm going to venture a guess that there was a tampon-change sometime in the 5-10 minutes preceding that outburst. EW, and also OW. And also HA!

  2. I'm thinking that she had wasabi on her fingers before she used the restroom and somehow it ended up in her vagina. Those of us who work in labs or in the field understand that washing your hands *before* utilizing the restroom is often just as important as *after*. Chemicals or poison ivy can utterly destroy one's comfort and romantic prospects for some time.

  3. I'm not sure which is funnier, the post, or the last sentence of the comment before mine.

  4. I recall, many years ago, cutting up some jalopenos while naked and thoughtlessly scratching myself - an experience not to be repeated.

  5. that's hysterical! painful but hysterical!

  6. If it smells like fish..it might need wasabi.

    I'm so sorry, I couldn't stop myself.

  7. Oh dear lord... I think I just died laughing! And I have a sushi lunch meeting tomorrow of all things! I can just hope Adrienne is right...

  8. Okay, my theory involves some sort of failed attempt at kinky sushi restaurant bathroom sex. A lot of people claim wasabi is an aphrodisiac when taken internally, so I'm thinking maybe this gal thought it would have the same result when applied topically. I don't know whether or not wasabi is an aphrodisiac, but I think it's safe to assume it is not an ideal lubricant.

  9. OMG how do you find them, or them you? The comments were just as funny

  10. Words are failing me.... how do you meet these people?

  11. Oh how hard that would have been to not break out in uncontrollable laughter at the table. Too damn funny. We have a pepper dubbed the "devil pepper" and you don't dare go to the bathroom until washing your hands at least 8 times- surgeon style.

  12. Scare? No...giggles?? Yep!

    Thanks for sharing your laughs on my day for needing a good one!

  13. My brother and his girlfriend were watching some movie and chowing down on the pickled peppers. They get a little frisky and he ended up with a fiery penis from the pickles she ate. He ran to the fridge and violated a tub of yogurt for relief. Maybe this girl had just had a session with a cunning linguist who forgot he had just eaten some wasab?

  14. But... "still"? Why "still" some wasabi in her vagina?

    Husband and I are in hysterics here, reading your post and the comments. Good meeting you and dispatching roosters today!


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