A Few Promises: Earl Grey Chocolate Cake

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

-I promise you will lick the screen. Like. A. Savage.-

I promise that I have done all in my power to destroy any pictures that show that I once dressed up - against my will, mind you - for a comic-con. Tiger stripes on my skin, white-dyed hair, and about 200 black belts were involved.

I promise that I still have that dog collar I wore in college.

I promise to judge people based on what email provider they use. ("AOL. Wow, really?")

I promise to be just a little wary of religious people.

I promise to remind myself not to be closed minded and to then judge a person based on who they are as a person and all the parts that make them up, and not just where they place their faith.

I promise to not edit myself at pretty much all times and embarrass people who are in my company.

I promise I have no idea and nor will I ever about football, baseball, or basketball. As far as I am concerned, last year's Super Bowl was just a Madonna concert with a pre and post-show athletics display.

-I promise to always feed guests visiting my home.-

I promise that I will get frustrated at my computer and call it a sandy vagina'd cock-holstering motherfucker while giving it the finger from both hands. I then will look up from my desk, see my boss staring at me, and apologize. Sorta.

I promise that if someone comes to me in a state of panic and tells me that a ghost/alien/creature/The Slender Man/etc. is trying to kill them and has already left bodies in its wake I will take a chance and assume this person is telling me the truth. I've seen enough horror movies to know that to not believe this person will get me killed probably immediately.

I promise to overreact at unexpected changes. This may include crying, screaming, Chunky Monkey, panic attacks, or fits of indiscriminately focused anger.

I promise to never watch a single episode of Lost. No.

I promise to always go out of my way to straighten a hanging picture.

I promise to get frustrated when I am the only one at home or at work to toss the garbage and not play, "How tall can we really get this pile of crap before it falls over and that spoiled milk get frickin' EVERYWHERE?"

I promise to tell Mormons that come to my door and tell them I'm Jewish, which is a total lie. I say this because when I say I'm a lapsed Lutheran they seem to think they have hope of success for conversion. If I say I'm gay they see me as a project. For some reason, Judaism seems to shut them down. Mazel tov.

I promise I will never understand any reference to the movie, Top Gun.

I promise to not like grilling as I find it intimidating. Plus, Brian likes to do it so heck.

I promise to always be behind answering blog e-mail. It's just, seriously, guys, there is so much of it. I am only one man.

-I promise to not always share cake because get away it's my cake.-

I promise that if someone tells me that they are against gay marriage then we will have a discussion right then and there. If you tell me you don't want to discuss or hear about it from an actual gay then I will write you off right then and there. No exceptions.

I promise to always put Lucy Lawless, Milla Jovovich, Amy Tan, and Sarah Jessica Parker on a pedestal. They can do no wrong.

I promise to buy Taco Bell late at night once in a while. I don't care if the meat has sand in it as that is some tasty, tasty sand.

I promise I will one day get around to reading Lolita, Gravity's Rainbow, The Sound and The Fury, The Art of War, and chapter 68 and on of the Water Margin (aka Suikoden) as I never finished it. I also keep saying I'll read Agnes Grey, but, you know, it's Anne Bronte. Like anyone will know if I lied or not if I say I read it. It's Anne for godssake.

I promise to lie about the summer of 2003 from now until I die.

I promise to deluge guests with hilarious internet videos.

I promise to see myself as a professional when it comes to internet research.

I promise to always critique my handwriting for being illegible, but adore it because it looks so damn pretty.

I promise to make a chocolate cake when the wether begins to get crisp. I normally hate working with chocolate and prefer to work with fruit - more color and more flavor. But hot, puffy, chocolate as bitter as a breakup can sometimes be just what you want.

I promise that lacing this cake with ground Earl Grey tea will make it smell like a rainy summer Sunday.

I promise that drowning it in lightly whipped cream made with a small spoon of orange extract will make you punch any fool stupid enough to try to take a slice of this cake from you.

I promise you will love it.

A bit of housecleaning. The winner of the package of dates and date products from the last post is Swathi Iyer. Swathi, please drop me an e-mail with an address so I can send them along. ~garrett

Earl Grey Chocolate Cake
Adapted from Nigel Slater's Real Food

180g dark chocolate, chopped
140g unsalted butter, diced
5 eggs, separated
200g, sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 tablespoons cocoa powder, sifted
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 heaping tablespoon Earl Grey tea, finely ground
90g all-purpose flour

1. Butter an 8 or 9-inch spring form pan and line the bottom with a round of parchment paper.

2. Melt the chocolate and butter together in a double boiler or a glass bowl set over some simmering water. Stir until melted and smooth.

3. Beat the egg whites until stiff and glossy and then fold in the sugar. Sift together the cocoa powder, salt, tea, baking powder and flour and set aside. Beat the eggs yolks.

4. Whisk the chocolate, which should now be at room temperature, into the egg yolks. Next fold the chocolate mixture into the egg whites. Lastly, fold the flour mixture in taking care not to deflate the whites. The mixture should wibble wobble. Pour into the springform and bake at 350F for 35 minutes. Cool on a wire rack.

Whipped Cream with Orange
1/2 cup of heavy whipping cream
1 teaspoon orange extract
1 tablespoon of powdered sugar

Place all the ingredients in a bowl and whisk until your arm feels it will turn to jelly and the whipped cream is stiff and sweet. Spoon egregious amounts onto your cake. 


  1. This looks amazing! When I was in pastry school, we made incredibly rich little squares of earl grey chocolate ganache, and I didn't share a single one. Yum =)

  2. You bought Real Foid? Isn't it *awesome*?

  3. Sounds like a delicious recipe. I make ice cream with earl grey but have never used it in cake. Thanks for sharing an interesting recipe.

    1. Anytime. Earl Grey just works for everything, IMHO.

  4. Delicious chocolate Cake, I loved to read your promises, hope you will keep up your promises or not as politicians who forget everything after the election.

    Thanks a lot for selecting me as winner. Looking forward to make some delicious dishes with that dates.

  5. OK! It's official! Garrett, you are the best blogger ever. Lovelovelove Tuesdays for the writing, but now, you just posted chocolate cake ON my birthday - which makes you truly amazing. I promise to keep on becoming even more open-minded each Tuesday because you wake me up. Just don't get me started on the mormons on my porch...

    1. You mean I wasn't the best before? It was that Pioneer Woman before me, wasn't it? *glare*

      Oh, and Happy birthday. Be sure to eat cake. Cake is good.

    2. Um... 'that Pioneer' who now?... I'm sure I don't know who you mean.... *flutters eyelashes*

    3. LOL, Ree is fabulous. I frickin love her.

    4. I'd totally agree with all the above. I found Elise first. With the occasional you popping up. Then I found Ree, but then I found vanilla garlic about a year ago. Loved Tuesdays ever since!

  6. Agghhh Pioneer Woman? You just made me spit tea on the screen.
    Love the cake recipe as Earl Grey is one delish tea. And I can eat some chocolate now and then - lemon is my favorite but I can eat chocolate if I must :)
    I found that telling Jehovah Witnesses you were Buddhist and not shopping for a new religion works too.

    1. Oh Melissa, I adore Ree. She's sweet as candy.

  7. Your writing always makes me smile! Thanks for sharing such an awesome looking recipe. I love Earl Grey. I've made shortbread with it before, but never a chocolate recipe. I'm looking forward to it!

  8. i cannot wait to make this cake (been waiting since you tweeted about it!). how do you "finely grind" the tea? (i don't have a mortar and pestle but i am not above buying one since it's on my wish list).

    also, read City of Joy by Dominique Lapierre. it'll make you cry. i've bought 4 copies because every time i lend it to someone it never comes back.

  9. Yum...how did you know that I was craving a combination such as Earl Grey tea and chocolate!! Thank you!

  10. Hi Garrett -- I'll be making this cake on Sunday. Two questions: is the tea measured then ground, or ground then measured? Also, what percentage of cocoa did your dark chocolate have, and what's the highest percentage you'd recommend for this recipe? Thanks for the answers and for your beautiful and friendly site.

    1. Annie, I measured then ground. I used a 72% chocolate and that seemed right but you could go higher or lower. =)

  11. Garret, if you want to mix it up a little, tell them you're a Jain, and you discovered the religion on a life-changing trip to India a couple years ago. They will have no clue what to do with that!


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