Things You Will Never Hear a Sacramentan Say + Chai Thai Tea

 -Spicy, sweet goodness like this is needed in skin-melting Sacramento heat.-

Okay, for the non-Sacramentans this might be over your head. If you live here or have visited here then you get it. You just do. At the very least, tourists will have a heads-up.

Things you will never hear a Sacramentan say:

1: I have no opinion about the new Kings stadium.

2: We need another Korean restaurant on Folsom.

3: I found free parking in midtown!

4: I'm excited for the new frozen yogurt shop that opened.

5: I love how safe the Amtrak stations are.

6: I feel overwhelmed by the police presence in Arden.

7: 45th street is so god damn filthy.

8: What's crystal meth?

9: I volunteer regularly.

10: Local craft beer? I'm more of a PBR person.

11: There's so much to do here that I never go to The City.

12: I'm just not into Farm to Fork.

13: Yay August!

14: Let's take a walk around South Sac tonight.

15: If I do another half-marathon it will be the death of me.

16: Of course I own a tux.

17: There's no good Farmer's Market near me.

18: Bike friendly!

19: Who the fuck is Patrick Mulvaney?

20: I just don't get what people like about Ginger Elizabeth Chocolates.

21: Ugh, Moscow Mules.

22: Let me tell you my secret river spot.

23: I shouldn't have a second Thai iced tea.

24: The east coast can keep their ramps.

25: I understand the theory behind the I-80 and the Business 80.

A Few Promises: Earl Grey Chocolate Cake

-I promise you will lick the screen. Like. A. Savage.-

I promise that I have done all in my power to destroy any pictures that show that I once dressed up - against my will, mind you - for a comic-con. Tiger stripes on my skin, white-dyed hair, and about 200 black belts were involved.

I promise that I still have that dog collar I wore in college.

I promise to judge people based on what email provider they use. ("AOL. Wow, really?")

I promise to be just a little wary of religious people.

I promise to remind myself not to be closed minded and to then judge a person based on who they are as a person and all the parts that make them up, and not just where they place their faith.

I promise to not edit myself at pretty much all times and embarrass people who are in my company.

I promise I have no idea and nor will I ever about football, baseball, or basketball. As far as I am concerned, last year's Super Bowl was just a Madonna concert with a pre and post-show athletics display.

Stress Addict: Green Tea-Peppermint Popsicles & Raspberry-Yogurt Popsicles

-Better than cocaine, right? Plus, it's a natural high.-

I’m addicted to stress.

I only recently figured this out. I was looking in my mailbox freaking out over why a new kindle hadn’t arrived yet. Did the mail lose it? I needed it soon! What if it doesn’t show? It’s hot outside, so what if the heat breaks it? The roads are bumpy and so it could shake apart. I’ll open a box of shattered glass and plastic! How do I even use it when it gets here? It seems so complicated! But?! Oh no!? AUUUGH!

Oh God, I think I’m gonna die…

-I am Anxiety Man. Able to leap to the worst conclusion in a single bound. (I hope I didn't stain the tablecloth for this photo.)-

My friend, Janelle, who was on the phone with me as my poor little heart ran so fast you would think I overdosed it with ecstacy and Pixy Stix, finally brought me back to earth. “Garrett. Stop. Why are you stressing this? It’s not solving anything and nothing can be done right now. Just stop." Her voice was so firm and each word given so much importance and stacatto she sounded like a female version of Allen Rickman.

I paused a moment, more because my heart skipped a few beats and caused me stroke out for a bit than because of what she said, but I thought about it.

Why was I? It was in the mail. There was nothing to be done except wait.

I realized then that I wanted to stress out about this. The adrenaline would flood my body. A neurotic electrical storm would rip through every memory and thought to find any shred – any damnable hope – of a solution. Muscle cells would fire like pistons raging against whatever dilemma was at hand. Stress, for me, was my power. Fuel for destroying my enemies be they human, situational, or, apparently, the United States Postal Service.

You see, in my experience stress brings about solutions.

The saying goes that you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. The people who say this, usually have a gross excess of time and money, or a sugar daddy. When you sweat the small stuff it’s because the small stuff usually has a solution. Something can be done to remedy the problem at hand.

-Like have a panic attack. I hear mint calms those down.-

For example, when your flight gets cancelled you go into overdrive. You run like a greyhound after a mechanical bunny to the next information booth. You fight everyone else at the airport. They are your enemies; competition for a limited number of seats on the next flight out. They must be destroyed. You plead, yell, cajole, seduce, bribe the poor kiosk lady for the shittiest, leftover seat. Simultaneously, you’re on the phone with a booking agent looking for a backup to that as you e-mail a competing airline for an opening just in case. In the end you might get a flight out and still get home in time to watch a new episode of True Blood.

Sweating the small stuff gets things done. It gets results.

Many of you might not call something like missing a plane small stuff. My belief is anything not world ending is small stuff.

My house burned down? Screw it. I’m going to Mexico. Nothing to be done about it. (This is an example my own personal world ending.)

A meteor careening towards Earth? The end of the world is inevitable and no Bruce Willis on a shuttle with an atom bomb to save us all? Screw it. I’m spending my time at a drug induced orgy and having unprotected sex with strangers. Not like I have to really worry about the long term consequences, right?

Tasseography - Divining Tea Leaves

From the Archives, because taxes and a paper have sucked up any semblance of free time I might possibly have.
Tasseography (aka: tasseomancy), or the art of divination by reading tea leaves. We've all heard of it, seen it in Harry Potter, and have some semblance of what it consists of. The wet tea leaves at the bottom of white cup form shapes and through a use of symbology and universal patterns interpret one's fortune and future.*

Now, for me, I'm not one who believes in divination, tea reading or otherwise, to predict and guide my future. I also do not practice it in any way, this post was just a way of satisfying my curiosity about something new. However, I am a believer in the use of such practices in meditation. Such as laying down tarot as a way to help you clearly think through life issues the way one person might write extensive pro-con lists to make a decision or free write in a journal to deal with a problem. Tea leaf reading may be used the same way; some may even see it as a way of exploring the subconscious the way a Rorschach (Ink Blot) test does. In essence, tasseomancy is simply a mode of self reflection or for some, entertainment.

The basic practices for tasseography are simple.

Tea: The teas used are simple loose leaf black or green teas, whole leaf, torn, diced, but rarely powdered as the powder may be drank by accident. The tea has to be able to form symbols or shapes. Earl Grey, Ti Kuan Yin, peppermint tea, etc. are all fine choices.

Teacup: A plain white tea cup is usually the preferred cup as it gives the clearest picture. However, other cups with symbols, zodiac signs (Greek and Chinese), elemental patterns are popular and allow for further customized and specific interpretations of the leaves.

How to read: Pour a cup of loose leaf tea and allow the tea to steep for about three minutes. Drink the tea, leaving only a very small amount, just enough to hold onto the tea leaves. Swirl the cup in your hand clockwise in your left hand three times. Allow the tea to settle on it's own. Turn the cup over and allow the liquid to drain off, allowing the leaves to stick to the cup.

Interpreting the leaves: There isn't a solid way to go about it. Each person can interpret the shapes differently, and assume the images formed mean different things. What may look like a heart to one may seem an antelope to another. Readings are personal and subjective, allow your first thoughts and intuition to guide you, and ignore your conscious mind's second guessing. Click here to see a sample reading.Even if tasseography isn't your thing, as a foodie, it's interesting to see how food is used for mystical, self reflective, entertainment, or even psychological purposes. Food isn't necessarily always about eating and recipes, but how it affects our lives as a whole. Looking at other interpretations and ideas about food and in a larger sense culture, religion, and society is an important aspect to appreciating food and drink, and in this case, tea.

Links & Resources:
Tasseography.com
Divination by Tea Leaves
Tasseography - Wikipedia

*In some cultures however, tea isn't even used. In Middle Eastern countries, wet coffee grounds are turned out onto a white plate and read the same way. However, the black grounds are considered "bad" omens, and the white shapes of the plate created by the surrounding grounds are the "good shapes" and prosperous signs.

Earl Grey & Murcott Cupcakes

I am swamped with schoolwork, so yes, another cupcake archive post. Sorries, I promise a real post will go up soon when I have time to sit down and really write something.

I love this cupcake; its very essence is strange and exotic, yet highly refined. It really does give a taste that can only be described through images of a British colony in India. I totally heart them, and would definitely make them again. However, these are cupcakes that will really shine based on what they are paired with. With tea, coffee, or after a light brunch these will dazzle the senses. After a heavy meal? I don't know. Maybe. It's quiddities might be overcome by stronger flavors. They also go great (I kid you not) with a Fetzer '05 Riesling. That's right, I'm pairing wine with cupcakes now.

Would I bring these to a potluck again? No. Would I bring them to a fine brunch or a fete? Yes. The rogue play of muted citrus and the bold mannerisms of the black tea create a truly sophisticated dessert.

Overall, these were very well recepted by everyone at the potluck (of which the next post will address) and many were even taken home for seconds or for loved ones who couldn't come. Yayness indeed.

Eary Grey & Murcott Cupcakes
Makes about 24 cupcakes

What You'll Need...
1 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups sugar
4 large eggs, room temperature
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
2 bags double bergamot early grey tea
1 teaspoon Murcott Orange zest (not navel or juice orange zest!)

What You'll Do...
1) Beat butter on high until soft for 30 seconds.

2) Add sugar. Beat on medium-high until light and fluffy.

3) Add eggs one at a time, beat for 30 seconds between each.

4) Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and tea (bags ripped open and emptied) in a bowl.

5) Measure out milk and zest in another glass.

6) Mix in the flour mixture then the milk mixture, alternating between the two and ending with the flour.

7) Scoop into cupcake papers about 3/4 full.

8) Bake for 22-25 minutes at 350F or until a toothpick comes out clean.


Earl Grey Buttercream
What You'll Need...
1 cup butter, room temperature
4 cups of powdered sugar
1/4 cup of milk
1 bag of earl grey tea (contents emptied)

What You'll Do...
1) Cream the butter until soft.

2) Add the sugar and then the milk and tea. Cream till soft. Spread on cool cupcakes.

Se Chung Oolong Tea

Se Chung is hard to describe in a PG-rating manner. I will say this though, the way it looks and smells... well, as one co-worker put it after a long stare and big whiff, "Looks like I could roll it and smoke it."

Oh, those crazy, bra burning, flower children of the seventies.

I passed around the tea to a group of friends later, one was a bit more blunt (get it?) asking, "Is this tea made from pot?" The tea has become quite popular in this regard, a sort of new-age, new-herbal sort of tea that's still classically old school.

However taste wise, it's something completely different. It's very reminiscent of teas you might get in a Chinese restaurant. There is a light straw like flavor with airy hints of rice, it slips down with a spring in its step and reminds you of your favorite traditional sushi house. The tea is palate cleansing, clean and almost purifying, but still a pleasant reminder of flavor lingers with you that's almost cantaloupe-ish.

Oolongs require special brewing, as many of them require that you infuse them in hot water for just a moment, then pour off the water to get rid of the initial bitterness and impurities. This allows you to wash away the first harsh flavors and keep only the more subtle delicate notes.

Oolongs are basically a tea in between green and black teas and are between 10%-70% oxidized. In China, since these teas are neither green nor black they are called qīngchá or "green-blue" teas. Se Chung is a prime example of a basic oolong.

Still, it brings up an intrinsic and necessary tea cooking question... can I smoke with it?

Baroness Grey

Baroness Grey, much like Dorian Grey, is a fruit based offshoot of Earl Grey. This simple black tea, while flavored with a bit of oil from bergamot oranges, also contain large shavings of lemon zest.A special blend by Hina's Tea here in Sacramento (which can be ordered online) notes: British legend has it that this Baroness of Grey, who lived sometime in the 16th or 17th century, was married to a man who was a Ship's Captain in the Royal Navy. As the story goes, his ship never returned from a trading voyage to China. Refusing to believe that her husband would never return the Baroness would walk to the port lands every morning to greet each ship hoping for news of her husband. Sadly, she continued this practice until the day she died. In honor of the loyal Baroness Grey, we blended this tea with the traditional bergamot and the addition of lemon to represent the bitter tears shed over her beloved. The dried lemon peels add an additional tartness to the citrus character of the tea making it a fantastic alternative to traditional Earl Grey.

The tea has piquant flavor that gives the tea a bit more zing to it. As a lover of black tea to wake me up int he morning, this extra little tingle of taste is appreciated, practical, and seems to simply match well with early Spring mornings. Flavor notes from cinnamon and cornflower give the tea a nice bouquet as well, which may be described as a bit grandmother-ish but pleasant as it subsides when steeped in hot water, allowing the scents of the actual tea leaves to take over. It can be a little overly floral for some people, including me on some days so it's not one I drink all the time.

A pleasant black tea perfect for early morning breakfast or after dinner tea paired with a bit of shortbread or lemon pound cake. The only downside is it brews poorly for further infusions, so while other black teas may make cup after cup, this one is a one hit wonder.

Darjeeling, California

Remember Coconut Milk Cheese guy? Well, he strikes again...

Coworker - So what exactly is Darjeeling? Is it a black tea?

Me - Darjeeling is a tea which is usually black but can be oolong or green.

Coworker - So why is it called Darjeeling in specific?

Me - Well, it's like champagne. Champagne can only be officially produced in the Champagne District of France. Darjeeling is a specific place in India. According to the Tea Board of India, a Darjeeling must be grown and produced in a tea garden in Darjeeling. The region gives tea a very light and distinct flavor.

Coworker - So is there Californian Darjeeling?

Me - No, that would be Californian tea, though I dunno if there actually is any.

Coworker - But what if they use the same leaves as in India?

Me - There is only one kind of tea leaf really.

Coworker - So it is the same.

Me - No, it has to come from Darjeeling, India.

Coworker - But if it is grown here then I can buy cheaper, local Darjeeling, right?

(long pause)

Me - Yes. Yes, you can. You can even buy official champagne from Fresno.

Coworker - Really?

Me - Sure. Why not?

Oliphant Estate - Sri Lankan Green Tea

This is the last in my week of tea posts. Hope you enjoy!Green tea is known for coming from China, however Oliphant Estate (or Oliphant Mao Feng) is from Sri Lanka. So named for growing on the prestigious Oliphant Estate located in the Nuwara Eliya region. This area has a very high altitude giving the tea a very robust and deep flavor. Since the leaves are also so tightly rolled, the tea can be used for multiple steepings.

The taste is light and very clean. Slight and delicate. This green tea is known for not being as strong tasting as other green teas. It's airy and with faint grassy tints hint as wide tea fields on open mountain ranges with clear sky dotted with clouds as far as the eye can see. It's a tea that the everyday drinker may not care for due to it's lack of pronounced flavor, but the connoisseur will treasure with each warm, intriguing sip.

Any specialty tea store should carry it, but it can be easily ordered online at many vendors and even Ebay.com or Amazon.com.

Pear Blackcurrant Tea

German fruit teas are particularly exquisite for what they are. They're made with all fruit and contain no actual tea leaves at all. German fruit teas are popular during the colder months as a way to bring some summer perk when things are particularly gray and snowy. Come the warmer months, it's delicious served over ice or churned into vanilla ice cream.

Pear Blackcurrant is the name of one particularly popular German fruit tea. While dried pear and black currants are the majority of the fruit, red currants, blackberries, and strawberries are abundant as well. The overall taste is tart, fruity, and very berry with a nice hint of pommey pears (though not enough). Personally I like to stir it with a cinnamon stick and sweeten it with honey. Eaten with fresh scones or as an after dinner tea, it's a pleasant relaxing German fruit tea.

German fruit teas are also usually organic and caffeine free, so for those who are sensitive to tea, this is a perfect alternative.

Almond Rocker

Red tea, or rooibos, is a new tea that's hitting the market in force now. Rooibos comes not from the typical tea plant (Camellia sinensis) from which white, green, and black teas come from, but is actually from a broom like legume plant found in South Africa.

Rooibos has a very mellow, relaxed and herbal taste. It's low in tannins so it rarely, if ever has a tart or bitterness to it. It's high in antioxidants (more so than green or white tea) and has zero caffeine. Due to it's pliable flavor, it takes well to being mixed for various flavors. Chamomile, rose, fruits, and even chocolate and caramel are mixed into red tea for a variety of subtle and intriguing flavors.

Almond Rocker is a particular favorite of mine. It's red tea blended with bits of almond and linden flowers. The result is a highly aromatic almond tea with hints of summer cherries, and a nutty finish. A tea not really made for breakfast, but great for dessert with a light cake.

It seems to be a bit difficult to find online at the moment, I got mine from Hina's Tea in Sacramento, and I believe they do orders on-line. I've also found it on E-Bay.

The Pitcher of Dorian Grey

Oh Oscar Wilde, you did know how to write an evocative, bacchanalian character; you created a novel which would live on forever and even inspire great tea. The Picture of Dorian Gray is a novel about a man who has a portrait that ages for him and in turn keeps him young and free of injury, but subsequently he is thrust into a world of debauchery and evil. For each sin he commits, the portrait becomes more disfigured and hideous. It's a classic piece of gothic horror, and one worth reading.

Being a literary nerd, you can understand why I so enjoy my new favorite tea Dorian Grey. It's bold, stunning, and maybe a bit sinful. At least so in the eyes of Earl Grey purists.

Dorian Grey is a black tea that's a variant of it's cousin Earl Grey. Instead of citrus from bergamot, apples are used to give it fragrance and distinction. Mallow and linden flowers add notes of fruitiness and a deep resonance of caramel for a finish.

If you're looking for a way to switch up your usual morning chai, English Breakfast, or Lipton tea bags this is a fabulous way to start.

Coconut Milk Mint Tea with Honey

This is a ridiculously simple recipe that I enjoy making during the colder months, but also like to serve it as a dessert aperitif after a simple meal, or even just as a quick snack to satisfy my sweet tooth. This particular tea steps outside the normal definition of what tea is because there's no water involved, choosing to utilize coconut milk instead.

Coconut milk is a staple in my pantry as we prefer a variety of curries for quick and simple meals. The honey gives a bit more body, sweetness, and balancing between the mint and coconut.

Fresh mint is easy to find in the market, but it's even better if you grow your own. Mint is one of the few plants I have not killed (I even killed rosemary), the main reason is I just plant it by the hose and it gets all the water, shade, and light it needs. After snipping a few choice bits, I hang them up to dry for further use in cooking, baking, and in this particular kitchen session, tea. You can dry the mint in the oven at a low temp if you don't want to wait. Try to avoid bottled dry mint as it just isn't the same, but it works in a pinch if that's what you have.

While bold in flavor, it's also very rich. We serve it in small sake glasses as opposed to regular teacups since the powerful flavors, while beautifully intertwined, can be overpowering in large amounts.

It's another recipe I find simple, very quick, affordable, and flavorful.

Coconut Milk Mint Tea with Honey
Serves 4-6

What You'll Need...
1 can of coconut milk
1 1/2 tablespoons of honey
freshly dried mint

Special Equipment...
Tea steeper or teapot with a mesh basket

What You'll Do...
1) Place the coconut milk and honey in a small saucepan over medium-high heat. Stir to get the honey incorporated into the coconut milk.
2) Pound the tea in a mortar and pestle or tear with your hands. Don't use a food processor as it will create too fine a dust which will seep into the tea and out the steeper or basket.
3) Pour the coconut milk into a pot or glass. Place the tea in a steeper or basket and place into the coconut milk. Steep for about 1-2 minutes. Serve.

Chamomile Cupcakes with Honey Frosting

Well, I'm on crutches now. Yeah, that last minor surgery on my foot didn't really take. So I received a new treatment. They used an extract from a fungus in east Asia that actually eats away the infected area. I have a flesh eating fungus now. Nice. Hope I stirred your appetite.

Anyways, I was sitting on the couch, immobile, and bored out of my skull. Here's the thought process that occured:

God, I'm bored. Nothing on TV. Bored... bored, bored bored. *long pause* I think I'll make a cupcake. Wait, crap, I have nothing to make. Well I could make vanilla. F*%@ that. Too boring. Classic, but I'm bored. I don't want a boring cupcake. I wonder where the word boring comes from? *long pause* I think I have chamomile tea. I did like the earl grey cupcake. Ooo, I could make a honey frosting. I think I saw a Jewish recipe for that somewhere. Hope it doesn't need cream cheese. Hope I have enough butter. Shit, I have to get up now to check on how much honey I have. I hate these f*@#ing crutches.

So yeah, I suggest you use a chamomile tea that is 100% chamomile for a purer taste. The cupcake is floral and airy, with a haunting, just sweet enough, grassy note in the back. It's a very Julie Andrews singing on the mountain top kinda' cupcake. The frosting is rich and intensely sweet. I'm not sure if this, like warm chamomile tea, will help you get to sleep. It is however, a great night time treat before bed.

Best part? It tastes amazing. Not bad for out of the blue cupcakes by a gimp, no? (Also, remember to particiapte in the CUPCAKE CHALLENGE!)

Chamomile Cupcakes
Makes 12 cupcakes / 350 oven

What You'll Need...
8 ounces of unsalted butter at room temperature
8 ounces of sugar
4 eggs, room temperature
3 bags of chamomile tea
1 & 1/8 cups of self-rising flour
6 ounces of milk

What You'll Do...
1) Preheat the over to 350 degrees. Line a 12 slot cupcake tin with cupcake papers or lightly grease the slots.
2) Cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating 30 seconds after each egg. Mix in the contents of the teabags.
3) Mix in the flour and milk a little at a time, alternating between dry and wet ingredients, ending with the dry.
4) Scoop into other cupcake papers. Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes, or until a cake tester comes out clean. If your oven is sketchy, rotate the pan after the first 15 minutes.

Honey Frosting
Adapted from About.com - Judaism

What You'll Need...
1/2 cup of honey
1 cup of butter, softened but still cool
2 eggs

What You'll Do...
1) Beat eggs until smooth and fluffy.
2) Bring honey to a boil in a small sauce pan. Then gradually add to the egg mixture while constantly whisking quickly. Whip at high speed on your mixer for about 5-7 minutes, it will be thick and cool.
3) Cream butter in a bowl until light and fluffy. Beat in honey mixture until throughly mixed.

NOTE: The frosting may look slightly curdled, just means you weren't whisking well or the honey wasn't hot enough. I added some extra room temperature honey at the end for more oomph and it upset the visual appearence and made it look a bit funky. It tasted fine, just looked a bit off. Make sure to stick to the instructions for this one.