Plant Murderer

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I am Death. Riding on my pale horse, scythe in hand and raised to the sky, preparing to cut those down before me and scatter them like leaves in the wind.

At least, this is how plants see me.

Let me run down the toll for you:

1998: Four strawberry plants. Murdered by bugs due to my lack of attention. And my lack of giving them fertilizer, love, sunshine, and general upkeep. How these things ever lived on their own in the wild before man is beyond me.

2001: Pot of rosemary given to me as a gift. Drowned it by watering it every single day. I thought I was doing such good giving it all that attention. I will remember this when I have to take care of children in the future.

2002: Cactus. Death by thirst. Forgot to water it. For over a year. I thought these things lived through drought and whatnot? Obviously, this one was flawed.

2002: Lemon Tree. Accidentally tripped and crushed the poor thing the day after I planted it. Worst $30 ever spent.

2003: Ivy. Killed an entire yard of the stuff under my watch. I like to see it as another admirable practice of man conquering the incredible strength and apparent passivity of nature yet again. Go me!

2004: Orchid. Damn thing never had a chance. I accidentally knocked it off a second story window. It was immediately trampled by a dozen bikes. The funeral was quick and painless, though a bit smelly, but that's what I expect from a refuse bin behind the 7-11 that smells of hobo ass. Amazing how a thing of such beauty can be defiled so quickly.

2005: Mint plant, which I had kept alive for years. Okay, I planted it under a leaky hose, then neglected it. It flourished. I was happy. Then I stopped thinking one day and fixed the hose. Withered to dust.

2007: Rosemary - Part 2. You'd think it would be happy I remembered to water it every day, like it's now-dead realtive. Ungrateful bastard.

2007: Bamboo in a pot. Don't use over-calcified Sacramento tap water, apparently it can crawl up the bamboo plant and actually choke it to death. Who knew?

Now... a new pot. Rosemary: The Third. Let's hope I don't have to talk this one off the ledge.

Or drop it off one somehow.


  1. good luck, friend! just don't water it too often - I think i've only watered my pot of rosemary two or three times and let the rain do the rest - and it's under the deck, so it doesn't even get a lot of rain water.

  2. Garrett,

    I can TOTALLY identify with you! I can actually here the hushed cries of our plants when I show up outside. To make matters worse I'm usually there to 'help'!!

  3. De-lurking to make a tiny suggestion - rosemary likes to be misted with a spray bottle daily and watered, well, not everyday. If it starts to turn yellow, you're overwatering it. My mom has a veritable SHRUB of rosemary that is thriving indoors in the frigid northeast. Good luck!

  4. This made me laugh out loud. I am exactly the same... I can't keep plants alive for anything. I'm lucky my can can meow and make herself known to be fed. Plants need to learn how to meow or something.

  5. My BF and I have had a ficus for the entire 12 years we've lived together. It is barely any bigger than the day we got it. If it were a child, CPS would be investigating us for having an infant-sized pre-teen with "failure to thrive."
    Stay Strong, my Brother Blackthumb!

  6. You make me laugh. I have the oppisate problem, I have a garden in my side yard that won't die, even if abandoned for months in the Texas heat. My rosemary has to be pruned once it reaches 5 foot tall and I have enough mint and parsley to supply local resterants for the foreseeable future.

    Rosemary.... don't water every day just enough to keep the ground moist, not flooded. Flooding is bad.

    Cacti....... need water or long deep tap roots

    Bamboo...... um, why???

    Orchid..... they do so much better if you don't try to make them fly. And I hear they like misters, I never mastered them though. Only edible plants.

    If all else fails try to find some snapdragons, those little guys can live through just about everything, drought, snow, kids, the neighbors cat....

  7. Ha! LOL! Let's see it's May 21, 2008 and I have helped 12 marigolds, 4 strawberry plants, 1 begonia bush, 3 rose plants, and a flat of tomato plants into an early grave. Thank god for Osh's 100% Guaranteed plant offer. When they die, I return them to Osh, for another fresh batch of plants.

  8. I too am death. Good luck Rosemary3!

  9. I loved reading this. Thanks for the laugh. I, too, have had miserable luck with potted rosemary. I finally figured out the best place to grow it is in the ground. You might find this post I wrote about growing rosemary helpful. Good luck! : )

  10. Rosemary and mint are constant victims of mine as well. But nothing depresses me more than when I kill thyme--it's just too symbolic.

  11. Dude. Take said rosemary out, dig a hole in the ground, water it once a week for 2 months, then walk away. You've seen my rosemary hedge, yes? I have not watered it more than twice in 2 years.

  12. Good luck with the rosemary - it's absolutely my favorite fresh herb to cook with. I plant all my other herbs in the ground (basil, cilantro, parsely, thyme) but rosemary in a pot. Rosemary actually likes to be drier than most other herbs. Basil and the rest need watered about every 2-3 days, but rosemary does well with watering every 5 days or so.


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