5 Things About Food I Hate -or- Four Vicadin Make Garrett No Feel No More

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I am at home today, instead of at work. My voice is searing and scratchy and my head is splitting. I didn't so much sleep last night as I took the place of a race horse at the Derby. Rob slept on the couch I was having such a seizure in bed. So I woke up in more pain than I was in when I watched The Ring 2.

I, with my fear of medicine (I would rather suck a hooker's big toe then take cough medicine) actually took four Vicadin. I am, by the way, notoriously immune to pain killers, as any doctor and dentist can tell you as they have to repeatedly shoot me up with enough tranqs to O.D. a bull elephant. So no worries about me sprawled out on the couch drooling on myself while death laughs over me. I mean, I'm typing, aren't I?

So here I am. Mute. Awake. Numb to the world around me.

I hate taking sick days when I'm actually sick. I feel cheated. It takes the love out of something I normally adore, but hey sometimes we hate the things we normally adore.

It's not always love of food here either. Sometimes it's the hate. Like any obsessed nerd, I know where certain things don't work or outright fail. In Xena it was the off screen death of Amarice (see how I back up that nerd thing here?), in food it is the following:

1) The word "Surprise" - To me the word "surprise" translates to "threw so much crap into the dish, I don't even know what it tastes like anymore". Big no-no.

2) Lavender - I do not like lavender in my food. I have had it once in a salt rub on turkey which was great, but with that one exception it belongs in decorative pillows and not on my plate.

3) Small plates as entrées - If I can't tell the difference between an appetizer and a entrée at a restaurant, then methinks I am being ripped off.

4) Raw Food Movement restaurants - Raw garlic, cactus, and kelp soup that comes from a blender to a bowl in front of you is wrong. Just wrong. Being charged $10 for it was even worse. After seeing a menu I showed the friend who wanted to eat there for dinner how to do the whole thing at home. For free. Because it's not like there was any actual cooking involved. Total rip-off. From what I understand, the place closed.

5) Hot Pockets - A reluctant hate. They taste so damn good. But it's infuriating trying to microwave them for peak temperature. Gotta love that ice cube in the center surrounded by molten lava burn your tongue so bad you can't taste anything for weeks and the bread hid the actual skin graft inducing temperatures cheese and tomato sauce.

6) BONUS! Food Poisoning. The rampant STD of the food world.

Anyone else have one or a list of things in any aspect of the food world you can't stand? Feel free to post them in the comments section. Remember each comment helps me get better.


  1. When I was getting my B.A., my dorm cafeteria would always wrap one dinner special in foil. It always involved "meat", a bun, and secret sauce. Once my friends and I bought one, the shades of meat color where beyond scary. They ranged from creamy egg shell white to a dark charred brown. If it's wrapped in foil, stay away from it. Hope you feel better!

  2. 1. Raspberries...It's been over done already! Move on.

    2. Capers...They taste like moldy wrinkled things!

    3. Cilantro...I can eat it if I don't smell it (which in and of itself is hard!), but the moment I smell it it's over!

    I can't think of a 4 or 5 off the top of my head at the moment.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  3. When I was younger I had many food aversions but now as I've gotten older, there are very few foods in and of themselves that I don't care for. Being 12 weeks pregnant, has given me pause on many of my 'favorites' but that I hope will pass. Preparation, as always, is everything. So, here is my brief list. I'm sure if I think harder, I can come up with more.

    1. Limp, soggy, over-cooked vegetables.
    2. Tough, well done meat.
    3. Any main dish entree that comes from a box (hamburger helper type of b/s).

    Get well soon.

  4. Gosh, Garrett, why don't you tell us how you really feel? Just let it out young man, let it out. ;-)

    p.s. I've been sick for almost a week. Yech!

  5. In Xena it was the off screen death of Amarice (see how I back up that nerd thing here?)

    Just when I thought you couldn't get more awesome, you go and mention you're a Xenite.

    I only have one strong food hatred: Canned Corn. Canned corn is passable as an ingredient in something, but plain as a side dish is just wrong. A bowl of corn kernels in yellow liquid is always present on the family Christmas table because "That's what we've always done." Bleh!

  6. I as so close to chucking a sickie today ..... so not in the mood to go to work.
    Not a big fan of the old lavender either. I think it has the most obnoxious smell and taste. YUCK!

  7. I have two...

    1) Not-so-fresh lettuce. You know, the soggy brown stuff you find hidden UNDERNEATH the fresh stuff.

    2) The Bullshot.

  8. I can't stand squishy foods. Not squishy like Jello, Jello is awesome; but squishy like mussels. That's the kind of thing I'd have to stick in my mouth when I'm not looking. :S

    I like your blog a lot-
    Get well soon!

  9. Use of the word "moist" to describe a food product

  10. Found you while surfing at work - August is quiet - so hi. I really, really hate pineapple on pizza. Yuck.

  11. I'm with you on the Hot Pockets...I always burn my mouth.

  12. I hate people with a prejudice against hooker's big toes. I'm totally hot for them ;)
    Feel better.

  13. ive had it with sandra lee on food network....the last straw was when she made red velvet cake by mixing a half gallon of red dye #40 into a chocolate cake box mix....yes she has nice boobies but she cant COOK!!!!

  14. I have to concur with the "Hamburger Helper" below....why not just throw some spices in with ground hamburger and put it over noodles? My husband loves the shit though. lazy lazy eww gross.

    Also, 5 words...American Cheese on hot dogs. Its fine...except its not really cheese.

    As for lavender, I would generally agree with you except that I made some sugared strawberries with lavender that i poured over vanilla bean ice cream with chocolate syrup and homemade whipped cream...
    I swear it was heaven. if you are feeling adventurous, give it a shot.

  15. Squishy, overcooked, fried green tomatoes! Or having to explain to people that yes, fried green tomatoes do actually exist, and yes they taste great.

    I don't like kale. I'm not sure how people stand to eat it, cooked or raw.

  16. 1# Food Pet Peeve:

    Food that makes a "statement."

    I don't need my food to talk, just taste good. In fact, I'd be worried if my food starting making "statements."

  17. Great topic, Garrett! In no particular order:
    maraschino cherries
    black licorice.
    raw fish (due to an unfortunate sushi incident)
    over salted food
    Hope you feel better!

  18. My latest pet peeve is when restaurants serve pink, underipe tomatoes. Especially with such an abundance of fresh, juicy red tomatoes right now. Hope you feel better!

  19. Hope you ride out the virus ok.

    I cannot stand shellfish. If something lives in an hard to get into sheel under mud which is under sevral feet of water, someone is trying to tell you something.

    And okra is just nasty sounding.

  20. I'll tell you what I really don't like- brussel sprouts. Those things smell and taste like fart mixed with puke. So gross.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  21. 1. "grilled to perfection" on menus--it's been overused and what, exactly, is "perfection" anyway?

    2. I'm an editor, so this one really drives me crazy: "chipolte" on menus. [for those of you not sure, it's spelled "chipotle"]

  22. I totally understand the Hot Pocket one! I always have an ice cold middle, but you don't realize it at first because you burnt your tongue while getting there haha

    I can't stand the smell of black licorice (I think it's anise?) I was going to drink some alcohol once, but it smelled like black licorice so I gagged.

    Get well soon!

  23. I can't stand apricots, raisins in cookies (or in anything), strawberry ice cream, breakfast casseroles.

    Get well kiddo.

  24. I'm with you on the tapas thing. If they were 'real' tapas, I'd be fine with that, but don't charge me $7 per plate for something smaller than an appetizer.

    My personal pet peeve are people who reach for the salt-shaker before taking a single bite (Mom, I'm talkin' to you!).

    Hopefully you're feeling better now!

  25. hello garrett,

    If you are ever in New York you need to try out either Candle 79 or Pure Food & Wine. I'm not a raw foodist, but I like to try new things. The food at both of these "raw" restaurants is art. The concept of raw lasagne totally grossed me out until I took a bite. Amazing!
    Maybe one reason I liked them so much is their use of nut cheese. I am allergic to dairy so that was extra fun for me. Anyhoo...not to dog your aversion to raw restaurants. ;)

  26. I have a strange way of making small things really vivid and it hurts when it comes to food.
    My list:
    1. pulp in OJ etc... reminds me of thousands of tiny fly's wings floating in my drink.
    2. scrumptious... the ugliest word I've ever tasted.
    3. the texture of mushrooms... like old dead flesh.
    4. any boxed "mexican" food... why?
    5. eating large spoonfulls of any pudding-like substance, ie yogurt, panacotta, etc... not sure why?
    feel better!

  27. Lavender is a prima donna in the kitchen - just smell it, man! But she meets her match in a Moroccan lamb sausage. Floral, rich and spicy. Yum. Trust ole' Hank, Garrett, these are to die for...

  28. I hate cottage cheese, lord thunderin' Jaysuus, do I hate that shit. Even worse is watching people put freaking peaches and pineapples in it and eating it. I mean, what the hell?
    and, oh, Black licorice...*nasty*.


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